| AUSTIN, TEXAS (AP) First Lady Laura Bush was roused from a particularly virulent hangover this morning by her spiritual advisor Mrs. Betty Bowers, America's Best Christian. Wielding a double-espresso, a fistful of tasty amphetamines from Laura's walk-in medicine cabinet and a look of delighted alarm, Betty resuscitated her dear friend and told her, "Pickled! I mean Pickles, I've just heard the most wonderfully alarming thing!"
Betty then played a stack of surveillance videos from the Texas Capitol and Governor's Mansion kindly supplied by her prophet and dear Brother-in-Christ John the Pentecostal Ashcroft.
"Goodness gracious me," exclaimed the First Lady, distractedly gulping multi-colored tablets and coffee. "I'm glad Bushie never did that with his Secretary of State because Colin Powell is black – and that would hurt! Oh, Betty TIVO it there. Oh, how utterly shocking! I hope I can keep all these pills down looking at such depravity. Oh, dear me. Heaven sakes alive, play that part again! YES! That part."
After watching the tape scores of times to ensure that they weren't jumping to salacious conclusions, the two women shared a Parliament 100 Light and rushed to the airport to board Betty's ministry Gulfstream V jet and fly to Austin.
Upon arriving in the Lone Star State, the crusading gals split up. Laura, relying on a tip by her daughter Jenna, made a quick stop to pick up a "back up" bottle of Cabo Wabo tequila for the lowest price in town -- and then made her way to a rental home in Tarrytown to seek out the distraught Mrs. Perry. After kicking in her door, Mrs. Bush consoled her startled hostess by saying, "Speaking to you strictly First Lady to First Lady, let me tell you, when I told the press that a lot of people find the idea of gay marriage shocking, it was your marriage that I was thinking about, sister-woman!"
Meanwhile, Mrs. Bowers headed straight to the Governor's Mansion. By the time she arrived, a SWAT team of BASH (Baptists Are Saving Homosexuals) ex-gays had arrived on the scene and were sashaying their way into the building. "The boys from BASH," Mrs. Bowers told reporters on the steps of the Capitol, "are here to do an intervention. As I was saying to Orrin Hatch and Ralph Reid the other day, one thing I, as a ferociously partisan Republican, can't stand is a homosexual who gets caught."
Mrs. Bowers knew exactly where to look to locate the Governor. "A man with that fabulous a head of hair," Mrs. Bowers told reporters, trying to keep up with her brisk yet ladylike gait in crocodile Jimmy Choos, "can usually be found very easily." After reviewing a matrix of full-length mirrors in the building, Mrs. Bowers located the preening Governor almost immediately. "While I appreciate you signing legislation to protect this state from the idea of gay marriage," said a clearly irked Mrs. Bowers, "it might have been more helpful had you thought to protect us from the reality of your own, dear."
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