Halloween always presents a problem to people who only like ghosts that egg them on into convulsing about on the floor of public buildings, gurgling saliva and screeching nonsense. But, let's face it, being Pentecostal is not everyone's cup of tea. All that unseemly "look at me! look at me!" rolling about can ruin the crease in any quality fabric (although the Lord has kindly seen fit to spare them this particular concern). But for folks who like their Ghosts Holy, Halloween is a night of danger, a holiday when Satan lures Real American (TM) children into the gateway drug of homosexuality (wearing costumes), which can lead to even more dangerous gay addictions -- musical theater and, yes, even Broadway!  Each year, pint-size sugar-junkies are faced with a tricky dilemma: How do you stock up on free, bite-size Three Musketeers bars without waking up the next morning with a skip in your walk, a cheap costume pulled up over your head and the bloody remains of a Wicca pet sacrifice in your mouth?

Thanks to some deft bruise and blood make-up and paper mâché rocks, our darling eight year-old daughter Prudence is going to be trick-or-treating this year as a nonvirgin wife who was brutally stoned to death by eager townsfolk with arms as strong as their faith. Where did we get such a wonderfully grotesque idea for a costume? A straight-to-DVD teen slasher movie? Goodness, no! Gals, when looking for truly pornographic gore, why resort to secular garbage when you've got a Bible right there in your Gucci purse?

Sporting a concave skull and a look of excruciating remorse, adorable little Prudence will not only enjoy a windfall of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, she will also provide our entire fabulously landscaped and discreetly restricted neighborhood with a lesson about what God has in mind for women who wear tight clothing and don't save the hole in front for marriage. After all, if you hope to spread your wings in Heaven, you had better not go about spreading your legs on Earth.

In looking for truly terrifying costumes, do not waste time with New Testament stories that, for the most part, lack the mayhem of the more sensationalistic Old Testament. After all, Halloween is a time for vindictive wrath, not blandly turning the other cheek.

But don't limit yourself to religious lessons that appear in the Good Book! Halloween is a perfect vehicle for assailing all kinds of liberal, America-hating thinking! For example, our little Cliff once dressed as a late-term abortion. The authenticity of his costume was so wonderful that when he rang a doorbell, most neighbors simply shrieked and slammed their door in his mucous (cornstarch and vegetable shortening) and blood ("Colonial Brick" Ralph Lauren paint) covered face. While Cliff was not pleased with his lack of candy, I asked: "Which is more important? A plastic pumpkin full of mini Mounds bars and Skittles or eternal salvation?" His response was considered during a pause lengthy enough to just barely avoid a sharp slap across his aborted face. Last year, Cliff went as our Savior on the cross, a contraption his father crafted with verisimilitude that necessitated a fleeting visit to a local urgent care facility. After that vivid reenactment, Cliff said he is tired of traipsing around the cul-de-sac as someone mid-murder. So I mollified him somewhat by promising that the next year when he goes as Jesus, it will be the Jesus in Revelation, not the pacifistic wimp in the Gospels. His still bloody face lit up, as he realized that next year he won't be the one getting killed.