Betty: Hello, Laura, are you there?

Laura: Yes, I'm here. Your secretary had me on hold for almost 20 minutes.

Betty: Well, at least your patience was rewarded, in contradistinction to those hapless souls who inexplicably call your little show.

Laura: Now, wait just a minute babe --

Betty: Laura, please bottle your trademark "caustic impatience" shtick for the paying public. I have something rather important to discuss with you and it will take far less time if you drop your anachronistic banter and some of your more threadbare antics, dear.

Laura: Oh, not this again. Betty, I'm not going to convert back to Christianity so save your breath, babe.

Betty: Oh, heavens! I would never encourage you to do so. While I am somewhat obligated to, time permitting, save souls, it is my considered belief that having someone such as you in a high profile as a non-Christian can only lead to people flocking in droves to any faith other than your own -- if only in flight from your peculiar brand of misanthropic piety.

Laura: Oh, boy. Here we go. Get to your point.

Betty: Gladly. You know how you are scheduled to speak at Landover Baptist this month?

Laura: Yes, but I still haven't gotten my check for $30,000 speaking fee.

Betty: Yes, well, don't run out and add something to your collection of amusingly ostentatious jewelry in anticipation of its arrival, dear. You see, the Ladies of Landover had an emergency meeting last night and we have prevailed up Pastor to disinvite you. Naturally, I jumped at the chance to be the one to tell you.

Laura: Wait a minute here --

Betty: We just came to the regrettable -- no matter how obvious -- conclusion that you are just not "our type."

Laura: Well, coming from you. I'll take that as a compliment. ["Laugh" (c)1984 Dr. Laura Industries, Inc.]

Betty: As you so rarely receive what could actually pass for a sincere compliment from someone with any self-esteem (which naturally excludes your callers), I shall overlook your obvious inability to recognize one, dear.

	"If we wanted sluts in our church, we'd be Catholic!" - Betty Bowers

Laura: Let me tell you what I think about that --

Betty: Excuse me, dear, for interrupting. But you appear to be working under the notion that I happen to care about what you think. Whatever instinct led you to this erroneous conclusion should, under no circumstances, be trusted in the future. As I was saying, Mrs. --

Laura: Doctor!

Betty: Pardon?

Laura: They call me "doctor."

Betty: Well, they call you so many things, dear, it is rather hard to keep track. Fortunately for you I am too much of a lady to repeat all but a few of them. But since you are neither a medical doctor nor hold a doctorate degree in your chosen profession, your calling yourself "doctor" is nothing short of fraud and no more reflective of fact or binding on me than should Puff Daddy refer to himself as "singer." In any event, what I was about to say is that the Landover Baptist Biblical Values Subcommittee discussed your visit to our church and determined that you don't live up to Landover Baptist's idea of Traditional Family Values.

Laura: Oh, boy! Babe, this is really making me want to scream --

Betty: And with provocation, no less! How novel.

Laura: Not consistent with Traditional Family Values? Let me tell you something: I am known throughout this whole country -- yes, little me -- as being a voice in the wilderness for Family Values and -- .

Betty: Your listeners' misapprehensions are not my concern, dear. But the type of person we at Landover put our reputation behind is. Quite frankly, it had not occurred to me that you are a Jewess until Sister-in-Christ Taffy brought it to my attention.

Laura: Jesus was born a Jew!

Betty: And Michael Jackson was born black. People convert.

Laura: Converted? But he was still a Jew.

Betty: Yes, but he wasn't a braying divorcee with a tongue that could lacerate a diamond cocktail ring. Surely, you are not denying that you divorced.

Laura: I feel that --

Betty: Let's not talk about how you feel; let's talk about what you are. Let's stick to the facts. You were married before your current so-called marriage, weren't you?