Age: 33 (w/ Botox) 37 (w/o)

Height: 6"1' (w/ pumps) 5'9" (w/o)

Weight: 162 (after second purge)

Status: Unrepentant Homosexual

Occupation: Professionally Catty Queen

Location: New York, New York

Event: Full Emersion Baptist

Carson doesn't know it yet, but the Baptizers are going to pick the lock on his door, wrestle him to the floor and call the demons of homosexuality and sardonic quips out of him. Then, they are going to give him a complete Baptist makeover to prepare him for the glorious ritual that inaugurates a life given to criticizing for Jesus (aka "Baptists"), instead of attention (aka "homosexuals"): being dunked in a communal baptism pool. "The wonderful thing about a baptism," says Baptist Beauty Expert Vivian Freep, "is that the body oil residue of the last 200 people to be baptized acts as a lovely emollient on even the driest, unsaved skin. So, even if it doesn't take and you lose your soul, you still go to Hell with a school girl's skin! Glory!"

But before that glorious day, Carson must first involuntarily tithe his tank watch, which the gals happily replaced with an electroplated bracelet with "WWJD?" in semi-precious stones. When Carson complained about no longer having a watch, Heather slammed her Bible shut and informed him: "From now on, it's always time for Jesus, mister!"

PROBLEM AREAS

The Saved Cinq argued (out of Christian concern) over Carson's 'do. While Marge persuasively lobbying for a change ("just two snips with my rose clippers and we'd have ourselves a peachy mullet!"), Deloris won the rest of the gals over by declaring Carson's hairstyle was just perfect for anything from a simple snake handling in an old canvas revival tent to a more formal Benny Hinn healing crusade in an upscale rented hall with a hard roof. "Don't touch the hair -- I loved this look on David Spade fifteen years ago, and if it ain't broke don't fix it!" said Deloris. "I don't change my Coca-Cola bundt cake recipe every 15 years, why should people change their hair styles?" added Viv.

NEXT WEEK: "JC in the OC"

The Gals do an intervention on two Hollywood celebrities who use a faux surface (Scientology) to mask their homosexual cravings. With Excel spreadsheets, the gals convince these fading heartthrobs that the Baptist Church can help them lie about their sexuality for less than half the cost! Closing the deal, Deloris then whisks them away from Los Angeles County and its perniciously fey influences, relocating them and their for-publicity-only wife and/or Spanish girlfriend in wonderful Hawaiian-themed condo-complex with a working volcano in an area that Deloris describes as "West Glamorous Newport Beach" (aka "Santa Ana").