Mrs. Harry ("Heather") Hardwick is a prominent member of Landover Baptist Church and an unassailably experienced expert in Baptist cuisine. For years, she has regaled saved straight gals with righteous "Jesus wants more of you to love" advice on Baptist diet and exercise. Now, she has turned her enormous attention to bringing gays to Cheeses. When asked her opinion on homosexuals, Heather is kind, but direct. "My goodness, give me a double-frosted cupcake over a fruit any day!" Heather says with a jolly laugh, delighted with her own joke and the Philadelphia brand cream cheese pan cake she is within inches of devouring. "Besides," wheezes Heather between bites, "if fruits are going to start eating the body and the blood of the Lord Jesus, they're going to have to start getting used to chowing down on more red meat."

Heather specializes in introducing prissy calorie-counting homos to Biblically sound menus. ("And ye shall eat fat till ye be full" Ezekiel 39:19). Her specialty? A robust pork brain casserole! ("I wouldn't give a penny for a pig's thoughts, but I'll gladly plunk down $4 for his brains!") After she gives a homosexual loft's door a full body blow, she rouses disco-napping queens with the Good News. "You Nancy Boys need to remember that it's way more important to be able to squeeze between the gates of Heaven than into your size 30 Diesel jeans," remonstrates Heather, as she lays down her purse and a Family Bucket of KFC Original Recipe. "Where in tarnation is the kitchen in this tiny place? I've got a side of fatted calf in the Igloo! Glory!"