"What full emersion baptism in water does for the soul, full emersion baptism in sizzling hog grease does for turkey drumsticks, salami and Slim Jims" declares Heather, while demurely dabbing her middle chin with a fistful of Bounty, "Verily, I say onto you, it saves them!"

I tell gays, "Nothing gets fellowship going like whipping up some light hors d'oeuvres. I heartily recommend my crowd-pleasing Miracle Whip and Nestlé's Quik dipping sauce, which is wonderful with easy-to-pick-up pork and lamb chops!" As if to prove her point, Heather calls out, "Who wants a Quik Miracle?" to a jolly throng of corpulent Christians, who turn out to be her lovely, hungry, heterosexual children.

"Friends, we are living in End Times, so every meal you fix for yourself or your Christian family may be the very last," coos Heather while nibbling on a gourmet platter of deep-fried head-cheese. "So when you make a meal, use everything the good Lord blessed you with! After all, it would be shockingly sinful to be Raptured away, leaving a full Sub-Zero behind with delicious Sara Lee, Sealtest and Red Baron Pizza products to thaw, fester and be devoured by undeserving, unsaved trash who are Left Behind to rummage around your lovely kitchen."

"The Holy Spirit appears in many divine forms. Sometimes, a bird. Sometimes, a little potpourri scented votive candle over someone's head. But, more often than not, He shows up at the Hardwick house as a delicious bowl of gravy."

The first thing Heather does when she sneaks into a targeted gay's loft or apartment is to head straight for his refrigerator. "Gays tend to overlook the yummy nutritious value of simple carbohydrates and delish animal fats. Frankly, they are more weight conscious than a set full of bulimic heroin-addicted TV stars!"

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Heather Hardwick
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