Marge Davis is the official interior decorator for the Western White House in Crawford, Texas. "I am proud that through my participation in the Baptists for Limp Wrists swat team, I have been able to bring knotty-pine dinette sets to urban breakfast nooks formerly ruined by expensive Eye-talian knockoffs," yells Marge over Percy Faith, as she runs her turquoise-ringed fingers along the plush burnt-tangelo velvet-like upholstery of an 88-inch Conquistador sofa sectional that has just arrived in her spacious show trailer. Marge is on a righteous crusade to bring country-casual charm to ex-gays by gently weaning them off of Crate & Barrel and other furniture lines that turn a snooty-homosexual nose to Formica and other authentic faux-colonial looks.

You would be amazed at the expression of stunned delight on the faces of gays when I tell them: "You could have bought 30 "wipe and forget" Herculon wagon-wheel sofas (and I would have thrown in a butter churn lamp!) for the money you wasted on that hoity-toity leather Maurice Villency settee -- and not end up with something in your rumpus room that looked like it came out of the back of your Bonneville!"