Betty Bowers' Guide to Interpreting the Bible

The Betty Bowers Handy Guide to Biblical Interpretation

Use Mrs. Bowers' fabulous Flow-Chart to allow you the piety of saying you live by the Bible, without the inconvenience of actually having to!

Many theologians spend a lifetime trying to understand the Lord's first two books: His sensationalistic Old Testament and His less flamboyant, but better edited, New Testament. Careful readers are faced with the seemingly impossible task of reconciling the jealous, crafty, vengeful God of the Old Testament (who dogged Job just to win a machismo bet with Satan and asked Abraham to roast his son Isaac as a burnt offering simply to see the look on Abraham's face) with His more mellow, centered incarnation in the Sequel (who, while not above cursing a fig tree for not bearing fruit out of season, doesn't turn people like Moses' sister into lepers simply because they ask questions that rub an irritable God the wrong way). Is God wildly Bipolar? Or is there some twisted Good-Cop/Bad-Cop/Enabler thing going on in that Holy Trinity? Or are we simply faced with codependent split personalities?

Now, thanks to Mrs. Bowers' Guide to Biblical Interpretation, you don't even have to ask yourself these hard questions! And isn't this the way it should be? After all, what's the point of being a Fundamentalist Christian if you can't rely on easy answers, no matter how implausible?

Mrs. Bowers Guide to Biblical Interpretation will give you the reliability of knowing that no matter which scripture you barely scrutinize, whether from a stone tablet on Mt. Sinai or from something scribbled on the back of one of Paul's envelopes, it was dictated -- word for word from God's lips to a prophet's steno-pad. And you will reach this conclusion without the inconvenience of having God's words actually interfere with whatever it is you want to do! It is a fabulous formula used by most Fundamentalist Christians that works to your best advantage every time! Let's try it!

For example, let's pretend for a moment that you are a Mostly-Caucasian Congressional Representative. We'll call you "Bob Barr." (In order for this role-playing to be as enjoyable as possible, please avoid mirrors until you resume being you again.) OK, Bob, you have just read scripture from an obscure part of Leviticus (near the helpful hints on pulling off a flawless animal sacrifice that will be the envy of your neighbors). Since the scripture addresses other people -- homosexuals -- you immediately proceed to the box that proclaims that every word of the Bible is the word of God. See, how easy that was, Bob?

Now, let's try something harder, shall we? Bob, you come across, not an obscure part of the Bible, but a great big part (one you are pushing to have plastered all across this country). It is one of the Ten Commandments: Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery. And, just to make it interesting, in reading that clearly stated commandment, you remember that the New Testament says that if you divorce (except for when your silent, submissive wife is a slut) and remarry, you are committing adultery. OOPS! Bob, you have been married three -- count 'em! three -- times! Gosh, it looks like you have sinned BIG TIME!

Well, this is where you are going to really love Mrs. Bowers' Guide because when a prescriptive provision applies to you, you automatically go to the "Interpret In a Way that is at Complete Odds with What is Written" box. Here, you can resort to what all Fundamentalists do to avoid inconvenient passages of the Bible. It's a SNAP! Just say: (a) even though Jesus said we are to follow the laws and he did not come to do away with the laws, He didn't mean this law; (b) this part of the Bible only applies to people living back then because they didn't have no-fault divorce statutes; (c) there is another scripture that doesn't appear to address this issue but I think it countermands this provision nevertheless; or (d) quietly skim over this passage. See how easy that was, Bob? Praise the Lord!

Now, you try it! It is guaranteed to resolve ANY biblical quandary!

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