But not my fervent love

You say you're missing your cats?

Do you like my new earmuff?

Happy Birthday Miss Thing

Don't look so bereft

Might of had a bad life,

But (face it) can't be much of it left

When you show up at a party,

Does it seem like a lot gets said?

It ain't cause they happy to see your -ss,

It's just that they all thought you was already dead.

Happy Birthday Miss Thing,

Have yourself a glass of Asti

I'd go ahead and have five or six,

If you get near a mirror, it could get nasty.

When you go to the bars now,

Does it seem like everyone's gotten real fussy?

Face it girlfriend, the day you become double-jointed's

The day someone licks that p-ssy!

Happy Birthday Miss Thing,

When you do it you slower than a tortoise

I thought it was lack of interest,

But it smacks of rigor mortis.

Mama said, "Don't go looking

For prime caviar from a local sturgeon!"

And don't you be wasting money on a beauty jar,

Girl, what you need is a surgeon!

Happy Birthday Miss Thing,

Go and dance all over the place

If you can't still move your booty,

At least shake the dust off that face

You say, "Betty Bowers,

I got all these crows feet I want to hide."

And she says, Girlfriend,

My only beauty tip for you is suicide!

Happy Birthday Miss Thing,

Throw another year on the pile

Don't worry that your face looks like

Crepe paper every time you smile!

Hey baby!

Me and all of Mrs. Betty Bowers' Christian Crack Whores wanted to wish you a happy birthday, girl!

Now, just cause we Christian don't mean we only celebrate the Baby Jesus throw-down

No, Honey, if they men, booze and presents involved, we celebrate Hitler's birthday!

April 20

Mark that down in my Palm Pilot, girl

Anyway, I did a whole jar of airplane glue last night and spilt it all over my fuscia shift – and I'll be damned if I can get the m-therf-cker off this morning!

Me and the Christian Crack whores wanted to throw you a big party but I need to tell you something on the DL

I did some bad X last night and woke up in a ditch

That's the only good thing about crème de menth – it comes back up minty fresh! Praise the Lord for mouthwash when you need it most!

Anyway, I don't mean to be rude,

I mean, it's time to trade in your car and get a new face.

I don't mean to be harsh, but you old, b-tch.

I mean, as soon as Whitney Houston dies, when it comes to almost dead, it will be you, baby!