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In other words, God has made it quite clear that he will not countenance yammering by Christian women. And as Fundamentalist Christians, we quite obviously must obey the clear directives of our Lord, no matter how seemingly sexist.
But let's be honest, gals. How many of us are Godly enough to keep quiet -- especially when Dora Denkins traipses down the aisle, late for service, reeking of stale tequila and last night's man? It is only human nature to read her for her short skirt and breasts so loose they could be tied by any competent non-gay Boy Scout into a sheepshank knot (and almost certainly have).
Nevertheless, we must do as the Lord commands and shut up! Because, like Eve before us, too many women are using their "free will" to disobey our Blessed Lord's annoyingly kill-joy demands. Whether it be a simply "excuse me" while making her way down the pew or a brazen complete sentence, women are doing the outrageous -- speaking in church. And risking a one way trip to Hell in the process! This simply has to stop, ladies!
To help these sinning chatter-boxes who obviously won't help themselves, Bringing Integrity To Christian Homemakers is introducing new designer B.I.T.C.H. Submission Muzzles. Starting next week, each wife will be given a Submission Muzzle with her hymnal when she enters Landover Church.
Mrs. Judy O'Christian of Ladies of Landover, responding to the news, said, "We are all real excited about this. Besides, a Christian lady can never have enough accessories!" Unsaved Malaysians will be working around the clock to ensure that there are enough muzzles by Sunday. "We're going to start off with pink because that goes with anything," gushed Mrs. Taffy Davenport-Gaines-Crockett, "but soon we will have a whole wall of muzzles in the gift shop next to the Landover Spa. So that even if you stub your toe, you won't even make a sound. This is really going to cut down on a lot of needless sinning! Praise the Lord!"
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