Bringing Integrity To Christian Homemakers

Election News

Well, you can imagine my surprise at having to announce that this year will be the first year ever that I am not running uncontested for the presidency of Bringing Integrity To Christian Homemakers! Belinda Hogjowl inexplicably decided that she wanted the position that I have had all these many years and for which she shows no apparent qualifications. I will not use this space to disparage this ungodly woman as our By-Laws do not permit using these monthly bulletins to campaign overtly – even when the other candidate has never once been seen to enter a house of worship -- ever! I did think, however, it might be eye-opening to share the correspondence that has gone between us in the past few weeks, wherein I tried to extend the Christian hand of love to her, only to be rudely insulted and made to cry. Reading these letters may give you an insight into the type of woman we are dealing with. Draw your own conclusions, but I won't have an unkind word said against a sparrow of the Lord.


Dear Sister in Christ Belinda:

I must say that it was a such a treat to finally see you at a Bringing Integrity To Christian Homemakers meeting last night! After all the snotty things you've said about my organization's efforts, you can imagine my surprise at seeing you there – to say nothing of hearing of your ill-advised intention to challenge me for the position of President of Bringing Integrity To Christian Homemakers. Not that I'm complaining! Just speaking to you was such a golden opportunity, as I always embrace as a precious gift from God having the chance to reach out to people who are floundering in their barely discernable faith.

Now that you have thrown your somewhat loud hat in the ring, I trust that you will allow me to provide some friendly advice that may save you undue embarrassment – and, indeed, perhaps ungodly rape -- in the future. I say this with much love, but your skirts are entirely too short for a woman who professes to have accepted Jesus as her personal Savior -- not that I recall you actually saying this, dear. I swear on my dog-eared Bible, it is seldom that I have seen skirts that short outside of a Three's Company episode or our moderately successful Crack-Whore Ministry. Please believe me, dear, I am only thinking of you and what remains of your reputation in pointing out to you what would be otherwise obvious to any woman who truly believed in her faith – or owned a reasonably reliable full-length mirror.

Oh, and by the way, allow me to wish you luck to the very limits of your abilities! May the best woman win!

As God Is My Witness,
Mrs. Betty Bowers


Dear Betty:

I was so delighted to receive your lovely letter. And to think that person, after person, after person, after reliable person warned me of your disagreeable nature and told me that news of my wishing to finally make Bringing Integrity To Christian Homemakers interesting would only be met with your ever-present sour demeanor! How wrong they were! I don't think I'll ever forget that strenuous smile that appeared on your face when I broke the news to you. It is forever etched in my mind (perhaps, because it bore down on me for no less than eight solid minutes). As I mentioned when I was finally able to wrestle the podium from your amazingly firm grip, with the help of a polite nudge and the serrated end of a broken liquor bottle, "integrity" is such a tedious concept. Besides, most Christian Homemakers appear to be over-saturated with what is carelessly and smugly passed off as "integrity" or something deadenly indistinguishably from it. This started me thinking: "What is it that Christian Homemakers are most likely to be without??" I knew immediately! Therefore, my first act as president will be to change the name of the organization to Bringing Irony To Christian Homemakers, not wishing to toy with your otherwise perfectly descriptive acronym.

Betty, dear, thank you so much for your kind note about my clothing. I won't give it one nanosecond's attention less than it is due. Who would expect such generosity of spirit from a supposed-rival? And although you, with an unknowing eye, could hardly be relied upon to piece together an outfit from clothiers so far outside of your more budget-minded experience, it is always entertaining to hear your modest suggestions, dear, as I adore repeating them a dinner parties for the incredulous merriment of others.

I would never be one to broach the subject of improper attire with you, dear (out of fear that once one got started, listing your fashion infractions would become a downright interminable task if undertaken with even passing detail), but since you brought it up......regardless of the Morning Talk-Show Hostess designer label beneath that unusually vibrant and enthusiastically stitched suit you wore, that color just didn?t seem to work with your remarkably ruddy complexion – the likes of which one seldom sees when not actually performing off-shore drilling on a rain-soaked platform in the blustery North Sea. In trying to come to a better understanding of how it must be to be like you, without a reserved seat at all of the main Prada showings, I've spoken with several women at the Women's Shelter that I work at 2 nights a year. Most of these women have shocking drinking problems, leading to complexions strikingly similar to your own. They all warned "never ever wear red," and I pass this sage advice on to you, dear.

Now I realize your husband is decades older than mine and his degenerated eyes greatly lessen his ability to accurately track the decline in your carriage and complexion, so you have been allowed a certain license to go to seed. This being the case, it does make me question the wisdom of using photographs in your campaign flyers that are a full 20 years old, taken before you adopted the now notorious, "just-embalmed" technique to applying your make-up that renders the more youthful visage in the pamphlet quite unidentifiable.

Hope this is all helpful to you, dear. I so look forward to the campaign!

-- B


Dearest, sweetest Belinda:

So, last night we held our first debate, and I tried to listen to the endless list of things you had been misled to think were interesting. Truly, I did. But I, as apparently was the case with the audience, am simply not that strong. I found myself drifting off. Indeed, had your outfit not been so jarringly loud, I might have fallen asleep altogether. Taking as long a look as I could possibly bear at your mismatched and sexually predatory ensemble of somewhat hallucinatory fabrics and colors that don't belong in the same county together, much less on the same somewhat plump torso, I was reminded that our dear Lord said to be aware of Wolves dressed in Sheep clothing. Of course, had He been speaking specifically of you, He might have changed the admonition to caution against "Mutton dressed as Lamb."

Again, it is rather lovely having a new friend in Christ. And I look so forward to revealing to you the love that flows from truly knowing one's Lord (and audience) – as opposed to merely parroting hollow phrases one has mis-memorized while polishing off a pan-cake while waiting for a four-dollar home perm to set.

As God Is My Witness,
Mrs. Betty Bowers


My most sweet Betty:

I do trust that nothing I have said about your regrettable appearance was taken personally. I realize that it is perhaps rather unfair of me to apply the standards that I take so easily for granted to a limited woman such as yourself. I should have been percipient enough recognize the heady license that that you must revel in that comes with the knowledge that no matter what one is wearing one will not be noticed. It is rather unforgivable of me, a woman with the financial resources that allow her the liberty of choosing an outfit because it is fabulous, to impute such a fashion imperative on a woman who is more often guided by considerations of which of her four frocks happens to be least crumpled. Whereas I am usually picking the evening?s outfit from the treasures of Madison Avenue, you are most likely rummaging through your laundry hamper trying to discern what can pass for "clean."

I can't imagine. But with God's grace I will certainly try! The thing I wish to say is this: I want you to hold you head HIGH when you walk in public. Your outfit may be indeed hideously unattractive and old enough to merit carbon dating, but your precious Lord Jesus will still love you. Even if you are blacklisted from every party of the season worth going to – there's always heaven -- for those of you who believe in such things!

I am so happy that we have met and are able to speak so openly and honestly at the debate, dear. Allow me to pass on the most sincere compliment. I think your obvious, and well earned, humility is a most charming trait, dear.


Belinda Hogjowl



My darling Belinda:

As sure as the precious baby Jesus rose from that lowly manger to become King of Kings, it is so apparent you have improved your lot in life. How I admire you and your use of man-made resources to salvage what the good Lord did not see fit to bestow upon you naturally.

Why, through the skill of artful surgeons, excessively applied cosmetics and gaudy frocks, the untrained eye would never realize you are as plain as the wood picket fence surrounding that one room shanty back in West Virginia where your parents enjoy the luxury of flushing toilets only on rainy days.

What a glorious testimonial you are in the eyes of our Lord!

How Great He Art!
Fondly,
Betty

My dearest friend:

I want you to know that my love for you is boundless and will not desert you. Whereas, it appears that everyone who meets you seems to have just the most unkind things to say about your personal hygiene, slovenly ways and a tongue that could cut diamonds, they simply have not been seeing you through God?s love. Whereas they see some dried up, inexpensively outfitted matron without the education to read an interesting menu – or the financial recourses to order from one –I see only a lovely child crying out for the one thing every clear-eyed person denies her: respect. I shall not falter in my inexplicable affection for you dear. Whereas everyone else – right down to your husband, parents and estranged – indeed, strange, children – find you both physically repulsive and morally bankrupt – I will always see that delicate, if filthy, sparrow of our Lord and remember His blessed words: "Love her anyway. For it is in Loving the least of my creations, you celebrate best your love of Me." Thus, how could I celebrate Him more than calling you my friend?

Belinda Hogjowl


My darling Sister In Christ's Blood:

How easily it is for me to overlook your bitterness and apparent dissatisfaction with your own miserable life. As sparrows of the Lord, we know money does not buy happiness nor does that dessert cart in that trendy restaurant that you are apparently unable to pull yourself away from offer any sustenance, except perhaps, unneeded pounds? I will pray for you and know that God and I both love you regardless of your shallow and bitter state of mind. I have prayed about this and the Lord has asked to look upon you with love and forgiveness- it must not be easy when you are relying on hormone replacements and all your friends are more attractive and desirable than what you have let yourself become. At least I can draw some cold comfort from the fact that Satan will not be able to use you as a tool to temp any man away from his Christian wife.

In His Name,
Mrs. Betty Bowers

Dearest Betty:
Although I do vaguely recall making some mention of the fact that you would indeed "do it for a dollar," I have no specific recollection of saying what precisely you would do for a dollar. Therefore, if the Armstrong boy took it upon himself to guess, no matter how accurately, what this unspecified act might be, I can hardly be faulted for his perception in this regard hitting a raw nerve, dear.


See you at the poll!

-- B