For Real Americans, the most important moment at any meal is when someone is asked to say a prayer. It is at this time that everyone at the table has the opportunity to see whether the person giving the blessing is a True Christian – or just filthy unsaved trash pretending to be grateful merely so they can stuff their cakehole with food. The signs that separate the oratory wheat from what chafes are clear: while much is said about the soporific effects of turkey, nothing is more tedious than the wan prayers mouthed by hellbound sinners parading as True Christians!

Make sure this year that if you are called upon to give the blessing, your voice rises to regurgitate the trademark recitations memorized by all True Christians. To help you, I have prepared The Perfect Prayer that you can use without alteration. Since many of you will be traveling this holiday season, I have also prepared an Adobe Acrobat version that you may print out and pop in your expensive purse – to make sure that if someone is to be shunned this year for their lackluster public piety, it won't be you!

I call upon all of the saved folks and godless trash at the table to bow their heads and remain silent as I talk to my imaginary friend, who lives in the sky, but is reputed to have excellent hearing.

Dear Lord Jesus, I know that I am worthless and a constant source of irritation to you. Thank you for not killing or cursing me today and flinging my limp corpse like a half-eaten piece of chicken into the flames of the sadistic place called "Hell" you created . As a True Christian, I love you with all my heart, convenience permitting, and am only glad your nasty temper was not turned on me today, like the time you drowned everyone, even little babies, or called upon your believers to hack pregnant women open like coconuts in Hosea 13:16. Would that the others at this table, no matter how much they may have pissed you off, as You know they have done me, be so lucky to avoid your wrath by dessert.

Lord Jesus, I know that your love is unconditional. All you ask is that I do everything you demand – and flatter you regularly and without shame or regard to the mess you make of everything you try to create.

Even though you made some noise [footnote 1] about giving away all our possessions to the poor, please call me, as you have brothers Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell, to parlay my Personal Savior into a Personal Fortune! And O Lord, please guide your own Republican party to effect that which you most secretly desire – tax cuts for folks rich enough to tithe to your wildly successful franchise.

And even though you made some off-the-cuff comment [footnote 2] about "not resisting evil and turning the other cheek," please ensure that all people, no matter how meager their backgrounds, one day realize the American Dream of owning a concealed weapon. And guide our True Christian President Bush, O Lord, to spill American blood to keep him high in opinion polls so that all elections one day will be like those in the Great State of Florida and not reflect the so-called popular vote, but the preferences of the non-partisan Christian Coalition Voter Guides. In this I pray.

Best regards,

[Sinner's name here]

Oh, and while I have you, Jesus, I really want me one of them new [expensive item that Jesus secretly wants you to have goes here] . Reverend Kenneth Copeland told me on TV that you want me to be rich and I think a new [expensive item that Jesus secretly wants you to have goes here] would be a really good start. Truly, I feel a victory coming on! Praise!

(1) "Whosoever he be of you that forsaketh not all that he hath, he cannot be my disciple. Luke 14:33

(2) "That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also." Matthew 5:39