Dressing Up The Dauphin Bush:

    Maybe education reform should start at home

As a True Christian, I, of course, attended the GOP Convention, but did not go anywhere near the Demon-cratic Convention this year. My dear friend Peggy Noonan, however, had to go to the convention in Los Angeles since she was getting paid by a major network to be surrounded by homos and other liberals. To be honest, I am still annoyed with her for calling from the Demon-cratic Convention and foolishly telling me: "Don't worry Betty, Gore's speech will be considered a big flop!" She said the same thing on television that night.

Yes, she was wrong, but, truly, I have to admire anyone who can get paid by a network (or the Wall Street Journal) to comment and prognosticate when they show such woefully unreliable, myopic judgment. But as Peggy knows, I can never stay mad at her for long since she so relentlessly shills for God's Own Party. I also share her love of getting cash for force-feeding artful phrases to people (in her case, Ronald Reagan) who can't differentiate an allusion from an illusion, much less a Contra from a contretemps.

I watched the first so-called "Presidential" debate and was rather nonplussed. While I realize that sinus disorders are the cross that most former cocaine fiends must bear, I found George's constant sniffing very irritating. Further, his apparent inability to master a subject, much less an object, was rather disconcerting. It is with this in mind that I called Peggy this morning and told her that she simply must come to the rescue of our next President, George W. Bush. I've asked Peggy to attend the next debate, sit on the front row with an oversize Prada presentation-bag and pull out flash cards with pithy phrases that George can parrot when his mind goes blank. Naturally, I told her to bring lots of cards.

    "I think anybody who doesn't think I'm smart enough to handle the job is underestimating."


    U.S. News &World Report, April 3, 2000

Some lovely turns of phrase from our future President:

"Actually, I -- this may sound a little West Texan to you, but I like it.
When I'm talking about -- when I'm talking about myself, and when he's
talking about myself, all of us are talking about me."

Hardball, MSNBC, May 31, 2000

"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it."

Reuters, May 5, 2000

"I think we agree, the past is over."

On his meeting with John McCain, Dallas Morning News, May 10, 2000

"Laura and I really don't realize how bright our children is sometimes
until we get an objective analysis."

Meet the Press, April 15, 2000

"I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to
California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California."

Los Angeles Times, April 8, 2000

    Jesus wants you to vote Republican!

Fritsche Middle School, Milwaukee, March 30, 2000

"The fact that he relies on facts -- says things that are not factual --
are going to undermine his campaign."

New YorkTimes, March 4, 2000

"It is not Reaganesque to support a tax plan that is Clinton in nature."

Los Angeles, Feb. 23, 2000

"I understand small business growth. I was one."

New York Daily News, Feb. 19, 2000

"The senator has got to understand if he's going to have he can't have it
both ways. He can't take the high horse and then claim the low road."

To reporters in Florence, S.C., Feb. 17, 2000

"We want our teachers to be trained so they can meet the obligations,
their obligations as teachers. We want them to know how to teach the science of reading. In order to make sure there's not this kind of federal
cufflink."
    Get a tax cut on all the money Jesus told you to give to the poor! Vote Republican!
"If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and
principles, come and join this campaign."

Hilton Head, S.C., Feb. 16, 2000

"How do you know if you don't measure if you have a system that simply
suckles kids through?"

Explaining the need for educational accountability, Beaufort, S.C.,
Feb. 16, 2000

"We ought to make the pie higher."

South Carolina Republican Debate, Feb. 15, 2000

"I've changed my style somewhat, as you know. I'm less I pontificate less,
although it may be hard to tell it from this show. And I'm more interacting
with people."

Meet The Press, Feb. 13, 2000

"I think we need not only to eliminate the tollbooth to the middle class,
I think we should knock down the tollbooth."

Nashua, N.H., as quoted by Gail Collins, New York Times, Feb. 1, 2000

"The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case."

Pella, Iowa, as quoted in the San Antonio Express News, Jan. 30, 2000

"Will the highways on the Internet become more few?"

Concord, N.H., Jan. 29, 2000

"This is Preservation Month. I appreciate preservation. It's what you do
when you run for president. You gotta preserve."

Speaking during Perseverance Month" at Fairgrounds Elementary School in Nashua, N.H. As quoted in the Los Angeles Times, Jan. 28, 2000

"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family."

Greater Nashua, N.H., Chamber of Commerce, Jan. 27, 2000

"This is still a dangerous world. It's a world of madmen and uncertainty
and potential mental losses."

At a South Carolina oyster roast, as quoted in the Financial Times,
Jan. 14, 2000

"We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor just like you
like to be liked yourself."

At a South Carolina oyster roast, as quoted in the Financial Times,
Jan.14, 2000

"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"

Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000

"There needs to be debates, like we're going through. There needs to be
townhall meetings. There needs to be travel. This is a huge country."

Larry King Live, Dec. 16, 1999

"The important question is, How many hands have shaked?"

Answering a question about why he hasn't spent more time in NewHampshire, In the New York Times, Oct. 23, 1999

"Keep good relations with the Grecians."

Quoted in the Economist, June 12, 1999

    You can read my lips, but I can't touch my nose officer!

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