Dear Republican Prayer Warrior and Christian Parent:
Jeb's wife, Columba and I were having breakfast this morning at the Ritz-Carlton here in DC. She was trying to get me to buy one of the beautiful diamond watches she had just brought in the country, duty-free, from one of the exotic, foreign countries of her people. I think it was Puerto Rico. Or Paraguay. Well, at any rate, I'm almost sure it started with a P. Panama? Oh, well, that really doesn't matter, as the watches were far too dressy to wear with rubber-soled shoes.
After an hour or so, our conversation turned briefly to the subject that is most important to us, as Christian (well, Columba actually belongs to some weird Latino cult that worships a goddess called "Mary") parents our children. We speculated about what would happen to her strung-out daughter Noelle (whom I called "Christmas" several times before Columba corrected me talk about embarrassing!).
Columba was almost sure that Noelle was appearing before a judge today possibly even while we had our Irish coffee to decide whether she would go to the "Big House" (as Columba said frankly, I think she watches too much of The Sopranos but what do you expect? She is one of those Italians.). Columba said she had a 5-4 bet with Jeb that Noelle would do time. I expressed sorrow over Jeb's pessimism and then I took that bet. Columba told me she would try to find out what happened to Noelle by week's end and we could settle up. But I had to buy one of her flashy watches if I lost.
While we speculated on what would happen in open court to Noelle, I told her how Bushie and I had been equally curious the day one of our daughters appeared in court for being a boozer. It's been over a year, so I can't rightly recall what I was doing that day, but I do remember calling Bushie on the cell phone and asking, "Was it today one of our daughters was going to be in court?" To be honest, I thought Karl's memo said it was the other one, but Bushie thought it was Jenna. This led to a heated disagreement and I threw my Verizon phone out of the car window before yelling: "Can you hear me now? Good!" That's right, I was being driven to someplace to talk about having been a teacher for a couple of months way back when. Now, I'm curious about whether the other daughter (I'm still sure it wasn't Jenna!) actually did time "in the Big House" (Columba can be so vulgar!).
Anyway, the pastry cart came and all talk about jailbird daughters evaporated! But, an hour later, as I was nursing a medicinal beverage in the East Wing, I got to thinking about how important it is for us, as Christian mothers, to be there for our children in difficult times (unless, of course, we receive a memo from our husband's handlers telling us it is more politically expedient to symbolically disown them by not being caught on camera within a 1,000 feet of their court hearing).
During this troubling time when snipers are exercising their cherished Second Amendment rights with almost too much zeal, children are bound to be scared. You, as a parent (if you are not a parent, you are probably a homosexual Demoncrat and this letter is not written for you anyway, so stop reading now), need to help your child get over any anxiety they may feel. If they are still in grade school and too young to drink, this may require actually talking to them. Teaching your little son or daughter how to load and fire a rifle or a pink or baby-blue gender-appropriate concealed weapon will not only allow you to spend a quality four-minutes with your youngster, it will give them the sense of "not if I kill them first!" bravado that is so cute in little tykes.
Remember: as Christian parents, nothing is more important to George, Jeb, Columba and me than our children. Isn't it time you started caring about your children, too?
Wishing you Christ's many blessing,
Your First Lady