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Every man is a friend to him that giveth gifts Proverbs 19:6
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The birth of baby Jesus is upon us and we all know what this means: elbow-pushing, platinum-card wielding power-shopping. Picking the perfect gift has never been easy -- even when only shopping for people other than yourself. Just look at the Wise Men. One was crass enough to give gold -- the Biblical equivalent of a "gift certificate." The other unimaginative gift-givers showed up with frankincense and myrrh, proving once again that when men have no idea what you want they give you fragrance. At least baby Jesus didn't have to feign delight unwrapping lingerie two sizes too small in odious shades of red. The Christian shopper is under even more pressure this year to come back from Neimans with something that will please even our most discriminating friends (and, truly, if they weren't discriminating we wouldn't be their friend). We are living in End Times and this will probably be our last Christmas. While we are carefully removing heirloom Christmas ornaments from our perfectly symmetrical Douglas fir, God will be sending a great ball of fire towards our lovely planet to incinerate every tree, animal and foreign person who has not fawned over Him. Apocalyptic Christmas shopping carries the added burden of knowing that each gift you give will be your last chance to make a good impression. Furthermore, returns and exchanges will be difficult once the Almighty has turned every department and specialty store into a smoldering ruin. But there is a bright side -- it's not as if they can forward your American Express bill to you in God's Glory once you have been tapped on the shoulder to ascend, leaving behind the less worthy (like those who confused a book with "Chicken Soup" in the title with something Mrs. Bowers might wish to own). To help prepare you for the inevitable Apocalypse and your time in God's Glory, I have a very special Christmas present for all my loyal readers. My personal assistant Miss Anne Thrope recently returned from Heaven, thanks to an unpaid near-death experience. Click here to read all about it. Betty
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