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Mrs. Betty Bowers' Christian Crack Whore in the News
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"The reason this is creating such a stir on Wall Street," enthused the author of a prominent investment newsletter over a chocolate martini, "Is that Mrs. Bowers has garnered a reputation for being something of a Christian Midas in fabulous pumps. Everything she touches turns to gold. And this will be the first chance for others to tap into her keen eye for turning other people's spiritual poverty into her own financial wealth. I've had dozens of calls about this just today. I mean, look at how she dresses; she must be doing something right." Indeed, Mrs. Bowers has become so wealthy that she is not without her detractors. When contacted, one nationally recognized evangelist would only speak on the condition of anonymity, not wishing to repeat the last time he spoke publicly against Mrs. Bowers in 1987, only to return home to find his 24 room suburban home enveloped in a swarm of locusts that made off with his wife's best wig, suffocated his daughter to death and remained until his tearful public apology to Mrs. Bowers three years later on the Today show. He said, "Jesus, told us to give away our worldly possessions and that it would be harder for a camel to push its butt through the eye of a needle than for some rich broad like Bowers to get into heaven." Mrs. Bowers scoffs at such comments as not being biblically sound. "Sure, Jesus said that to those people back then. And He was right to. I back Him up 110%. And I am a fundamentalist and believe every single word of the Bible is the inspired word of God. But it's sort of like those annoying Old Testament dietary laws, it's surprising how many of the more demanding scriptures simply don't apply anymore. You see, Jesus spoke before stabilized currencies and federally insured deposits. Besides, what good was it to be rich back then? What, indeed, would it profit a man? You could be the wealthiest person on the planet, but you'd still smell bad, wear dreadful clothes and there was no Paris or Four Seasons Resorts to got to. So, what was the point? Isn't Jesus smart?" |
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| According to the Wall Street Journal, Mrs. Bowers started her Crack Whore Ministry only 2 years ago and was faced with nothing but skepticism. Indeed, Mrs. Bowers speaking to us from the back seat of one of her Bentleys said, "Well, when I first started targeting crack whores as a potential source of tithing, several people well established in the world of Christian fundraising scoffed at the idea. A certain someone out of Virginia who owes a bunch of cable TV companies and has a first name I find alarmingly polygender, told me I was crazy to waste so much as a 3-color brochure on those shiftless empty-pocketed tramps. But while these girls didn't have the accouterment of wealth I usually look for as targets for my ministries, people forget how much cash these hookers have access to in a given day. That's what gave me the idea of drug rehab! If they aren't spending that cash on crack, they can sure as shooting be giving some of it to me, I mean, the Lord! And there was only one thing coming between my ministry and that gold mine of money. Those cotton-picking pimps. They are mean as snakes. But no match for me," she added with a pointed laugh. While most entrepreneurs would not wish to engage in a turf war with ruthless street pimps, Mrs. Bowers was determined to wrest control of the prostitutes' tithing ability. It was her success at doing precisely this that turned the corner on her new venture and ensured profits far exceeding expectations. Her secret? "I prayed over this as much as my busy schedule would allow. I called upon my Blessed Savior Jesus Christ, in all His divine mercy, to kill those annoying pimps." And God answered Mrs. Bowers' prayers. "Yes," says Mrs. Bowers, "God's idea was roughly right along the same lines that I was thinking and fit seamlessly into my corporate strategy." On June 14, 1998, at precisely noon, 27 pimps in Atlanta, Georgia turned to pillars of kosher salt. When asked about this unexplained occurrence she says simply, "Now you know I was joking. Upon the advice of counsel, I would never directly ask my Lord to smite someone! But a high sodium diet will kill anyone!" she adds with a laugh, as her Bentley pulls up to the entrance of Neiman-Marcus. The new company, to be known as "Mrs. Betty Bowers International Christian Crack Whore Ministries, Inc." will be a Liberian corporation spun off of the Mrs. Betty Bowers Ministries Holding Company to avoid interfering with the not-for-profit status of Mrs. Bowers' thirteen other Christian LLC's. Last year, the IRS began an investigation of Mrs. Bowers, questioning her not-for-profit status when her ex-gay ministry, Baptists Are Saving Homosexuals, lived up to its acronym by bringing in revenues rumored to be in the high 8 figures. But Mrs. Bowers maintains that BASH remains a money-loser for her. When interviewed two months ago by In Style magazine at her BASH Outreach Villa expansively perched over the harbor in Portofino, Italy, Mrs. Bowers responded by saying "You wouldn't believe the expenses we have at BASH! I mean, when you are trying to lure gay men, you can't use beer and pretzels, honey. There is always something new and expensive that they are in to. Pardon me. Maria, this Brunello is too too tobaccoy; throw out the case! Anyway, as I was saying, in order to save them, we have to go where the homosexuals go -- and they can always be found at the most fabulously expensive places! But I have to go where the Lord calls me. It is my cross." Many eager investors are now hoping that the Lord will be calling Mrs. Bowers to Wall Street, where she may work another of her financial miracles. But the first to benefit will be Mrs. Bowers herself, who is expected to receive over $240,000,000.00 in the initial offering. When asked to confirm this amount, Mrs. Bowers would only say, "I never discuss figures -- except to say that I am still a perfect size 4." |
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