Christian Religious Ideas Molding Education

The Kansas Board of Education recently bucked a hundred years of secular science by looking its students' syllabus right in its beady eyes and screaming:
Thus, they have exorcised the pernicious "theory" of Evolution and protected one more group of children from learning anything that contradicts the fabulously dramatic stories of the Bible! Praise the Lord!
For those of you too Godly to dabble in the scorcery of secular science, "Evolution" is a crazy idea that attempts to undermine a basic tenet of faith that all Christians hold dear to their hearts:

To show how much He loves us, God allowed all humans to spring from the lying, killing, disobedient, incestuous, and totally dysfunctional Adam & Eve family he made especially for us. Thank you, Lord!

While I applaud the Kansas Board of Education in taking this stand for unwavering adherence to even the more far-fetched passages in the Bible, it really is not enough.
We, as Christians, must not rest until we force ALL of our God-breathed gothic stories on EVERYONE -- whether they like it or not.
To this noble end, God has called me, Mrs. Betty Bowers, to irradicate all secular subjects (such as "evolution," "physics," non-Biblical fiction, "biology," and tongues that people understand and aren't accompanied by rolling on the floor and gurgling saliva) from our nation's school systems and to introduce in their place:

Christian Religious Ideas Molding Education:

Betty Bowers' Curriculum For a Bible Based Education

Physics:

The laws of physics regarding refraction of light only came into being to cheer up Noah, as this is when God created the first rainbow. (Praise the Lord for being the world's first exterior decorator! Love those colorful flourishes Lord, but could I see something in a taupe?) GE 9:12-16

Fire consumes wet wood, stones, and dust, and "licks up" water (but won't light charcoal briquettes at a bar-b-que!) 1SA 2:8, JB 38:4, PS 104:5 1KI 18:33-38

An iron axe head can float in water, (but, remember, a single-engine plane and Natalie Wood won't).2KI 6:5-7

The shadow on a sun dial moves backwards (so they need to be set forward in fall and back in spring one hour). 2KI 20:11

The earth has four corners (but Africa and Antartica have no 4-star restaurants). IS 11:12, RE 7:1

The earth can be turned upside down so as to scatter its inhabitants (or for serious Spring cleaning). IS 24:1 (KJV)

The moon will someday be as bright as the sun is now (I recommend a moisterizer with a MPF 35!) IS 30:26

There is a high mountain from which all the kingdoms of the world can be seen (and Satan has a ReMaxx office at the top). MT 4:8

There are at least three heavens (none of which welcome the unsaved). 2CO 12:2

Heaven is to be inhabited by 144,000 virgin men who have not been "defiled" by women (and are all, no doubt, ready for some BASH ex-gay therapy). RE 14:1-4

Metropolitan Heaven is only about 1500 miles square (but all the Earth-view property is spoken for). RE 21:16

The sky is strong like molten glass (so maybe it is God who looks at us through a glass darkly!) (Job 37:18)

The sky separates the seas on earth from the seas above it (unless you live in Los Angeles, Mexico City or Atlanta, in which case it is carbon monoxide that is separating the two seas) (GEN 1:7)

There was light ("night and day") before there was even a sun (so artificial lighting schemes must have been around long before Thomas Edison. Praise the Lord!) . GE 1:3-5, 14-19


Zoology

Donkeys speak Hebrew! (But my travels provide unscientific indicia that asses tend to speak French.) NU 22:21-30.

Slugs and/or snails melt as they move (Especially if you line their path with Kosher salt or Lot's wife). PS 58:8

Rabbits chew their own cud! LE 11:6

There are winged creatures, birds or insects, that go around on all fours! LE 11:20-21

There were giants and dragons on the earth at one time. GE 6:4


Medicine/Biology

God's own health tip: A house or clothes can have leprosy (it strikes Mrs. Bowers that a long-sleeved blouse featuring the latest in leprosy is the epitome of planned obsolescence!) LE 14:33-57

Leprosy can be cured with fabulous incantations and the blood of a bird (but even club soda won't get the bird blood out of your lovely silks -- I say, stick with the leprosy, girls!). LE 14:49-53

The Israelis no longer experience any sickness (because Moses told them they would never be sick, and Moses wouldn't lie! Praise the Lord!) DT 7:15

People are full of dirt! (But you knew that.) JG 3:21-22 (KJV)

Health Warning: Entering a holy place without wearing bells can result in death (and entering my home with them will result in a similar fate). EX 28:34-35

Plants grow without sunlight (and have better skin!) GE 1:12, 16

Poisonous plants such as hemlock, buckeye pod, nightshade, oleander are given to us by God and are good to eat (especially when having the in-laws over -- thank you Lord for that recipe!) GE 1:29

You will lose all physical strength if your beautician cuts off too much of your hair! (One more reason to not trust your coif to heterosexuals, girls!) JG 16:17-22

You can injure your hip if you engage in wrestling with God. (Well, duh!) GE 32:24-30

Saved people can drink poison and it won't harm them! (So, throw away those childproof locks and safety caps, Christian mothers and show how much you believe God's word! Praise the Lord!) MK 16:17-18

The human heart is where thoughts occur. The kidneys ("reins") are where a surgeon should look if he is trying to find your conscience! (Which is why Mrs. Patsy Ramsey is currently looking for an Igloo cooler with a kidney in it.) ES 6:6, JB 19:27, PS 7:9, 16:7, 73:21, PR 23:7, 16, IS 10:7, JE 11:20, 17:10, 20:12, MT 9:4, LK 2:19, 9:47, AC 8:22, RO 10:9-10, HE 4:12, RE 2:23

There is no need to ever take any prescription drug or go to a doctor because both physical and mental illness are caused by demon possession and can be cured by exorcism (God's very own HMO!). MT 4:23-24, 9:32-33, 12:22, 17:14-18, MK 1:23-26, 32-34, 5:2-16, 9:17-29, 16:9, LK 11:14, 4:33-35, 8:2, 27-36, 9:38-42, AC 8:7, 16:16-18


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