Eminem: Born Again!

Betty's Exclusive Interview

Eminem laying on hands

Anyone watching MTV will tell you that Marshall Mathers, also known as Eminem, Slim Shady and "Defendant," has broken out like psoriasis. After listening to his angry tirades filled with juvenile angst and contrived mayhem, I expected a rough man to saunter into my suite at the Four Seasons for our interview. I was not prepared for the fey, timid little boy who has, no doubt, grown up under a barrage of taunts and insults (those directed at his "look" would certainly fall comfortably under the expanding heading of "constructive criticism"). It is with guarded jubilation that I discovered that this trailer-tenor has become a born-again Christian. I also have an exclusive preview of Eminem's new CD, which is inspired entirely by Bible verses. Being based on our Lord's Old Testament, of course, it will present no discernable departure from his previous misogynistic and bloodthirsty rants.
To read Betty's review of Eminem's movie 8 Mile
Betty Bowers:
So tell us: who did Christine Aguilera pleasure first?
Carson, then Fred.
Betty Bowers:
Well, one look at that harlot, my only surprise is that she waited to do them one at a time. Now, to you: I didn't realize you were an albino.
I ain't no f----- albino! You want to dwell on my race but you could NEVER say that my s--- is whack because you know my s--- is tight.
Betty Bowers:
Scatological speculation aside, your eyes do look wildly dilated. Indeed, even the most strung-out girls in my Christian Crackwhore Ministry can't get their pupils to muster a gape like that. I'd say sunglasses would not be remiss even if you're not an albino. Not that I'm necessarily buying into your protestations in that regard, dear. So, tell us, are you now a born-again Christian?
Yeah, I am down with the Bible.
Betty Bowers:
How did this miraculous change occur, dear?
Well – dear – see? Everywhere I turn, I get s--- from posers that don't know me. Sticking a finger up my a-- about not being "politically correct" and s---. You know? People saying "you ain't supposed to say f-gg---" and "you ain't supposed to talk bout beating up b-tches." And Doctor Dre say --
Betty Bowers:
What type of doctor is Dr. Dre anyway? Medical? PhD?
Dre ain't a doctor. He just calls himself that to sound important.
Betty Bowers:
Oh, sort of like Doctor Laura.
She is one hard b-tch.
Betty Bowers:
Perhaps, you two could do a duet. You seem to hate all the same people.
Yeah, but I hate her, too! (laughs)
Betty Bowers:
Well, that hardly sets you apart, dear.
Yeah, but she wouldn't be down with it since she isn't going to cooperate with my slams on her.
Betty Bowers:
No, self-hatred would require far too much introspection for her. Let's talk about something more pleasant. So, tell me, did you become born again to avoid coarse vulgarity?
No, b----. I didn't f—king get f—king born-gain to do that!
Betty Bowers:
This is clearly a metamorphosis in its very earliest of stages. I assume, at a minimum, that you will no longer sing about, well, such uncivil inclinations as killing.
Killing? Everyone is riding me about violence. Look, Saving Private Ryan was probably the illest, sickest movie I've ever watched, and I didn't see anybody criticizing that one for violence.
Betty Bowers:
That killing was done for God, dear. Indeed, the bullets our boys fired were from God in Heaven. The German bullets were coming, of course, straight from Satan. And the French . . . well, there were no French bullets were there? But I'm always grateful the French are cowards every time I wander among the unblemished buildings of Paris. Anyway, everyone America kills either has crude morals or crude oil. And all American war efforts are for the glory of God.
[You have just read an except from Betty wonderful book "What Would Betty Do?"]
Betty Bowers' Exclusive:
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Take a good look, at the Good Book, when you hit my sh-t with the tag "he's misogynistic!"

It's inherent see? From inerrant me! Apparently, if He sees a b-tch or f-g, God goes ballistic.

The unsaved point at Slim, say: "Look at him! Who let the born-again a--hole in the room?"

Well, prepare your tomb: Your little ones will be dashed to the ground! Hear that sound?

Pregnant b-tches ripped open in the womb! [Hosea 13:16]

You see, when the Lord is mad, sh-t, then you know Yahweh has had it!
If you been acting sh-tty, God says: "Have no pity! Slay the punks, slay the b-tches!"

Lord, what about their brats? "Slay those rats; leave em bleeding in the ditches!" [Ezekiel 9: 4-6]

Destroy their hood [I Samuel 15:2-3] – kill em good. Yo, go to every city purging

Set your sites on the whites, of their eyes, but keep a prize – all them pretty v-rgins! [Numbers 31:14-18]

Slim's advice is be nice, all you b-tches! Cause I got Good News I can Use. God said to kill all you witches! [Exodus 22:18]

And all the p-nsy press is, in their dresses, say "Slim, why you saying f-ggots should die?"

And I just raise my Bible high: "The Lord said you got to go so, h-mo, that's f-cking why!" (laughs) [Leviticus 20:13]

And all you r-gheads with the wrong god, get my drift, here's a gift: six feet of your own sod! [Exodus 22:20]

You ain't f-cking born again? Count to ten. You ain't saved? Opps! I just dropped you in your f-cking grave [Deuteronomy 17:2-7]

Hey, if I'm in a fight with some pr-ck guy, b-tch don't touch my d-ck. Why? Cause God said you should die! [Deuteronomy 25:11-12]

Now, I am turning to Saint Paul, he said it all, in his letters to Timothy. See?

All you hos in the place, shut your face and take commands from me! [1Tim. 2:11-12]

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