Dear Mrs. Bowers:
I had a rather unfortunate event occur during Sunday Mass. Unfortunately, a rather chunky, muumuu clad worshiper attempted to cut in line in front of me on my way to receive the "Body and Blood of our Lord Jesus Christ". When I am on my way to receive a little dry wafer and a slug of the grape..I am in no mood for games. I was forced, (in my zeal to receive the Sacrament) to push my fellow parishioner to the floor. Unfortunately, that exposed another sin to the onlookers. The poor woman had long since been unable to find panties to hide her ample bottom and various gynecological parts..so there she was exposed for the world to see. It was not a pretty sight. But, I have digressed here. Back to my problem. My beautiful rosary (a family heirloom) was destroyed in the process. Apparently it became entangled in the fat woman's legs and beads and the little cross went rolling willy-nilly under the altar and under the pews.
I find myself unable to pray or ask for forgiveness without it. I have attempted to use my 16" strand of perfectly matched cultured pearls to no avail.
Mrs. Fern O'Hara