Dear Sister in Christ,

As a True Christian® mother, I know it is my duty to spy relentlessly on my children for the sake of their salvation. On a recent Wednesday, I was rummaging through my daughter Sarah's room looking for hidden drugs and tampons. My secondary motive was to find a missing catalog, as they had come in the mail that week and I had not had time to peruse them.

It was then that I heard the high-pitched moans coming from my son Jeremy's room. I immediately swept in, there being no locks in my home (except on my medicine cabinet), to find Jeremy spread-eagled, humping his hand, and HOLDING THE MISSING POTTERY BARN CATALOG! I shrieked in rage and horror, rebuked him as a filthy Sodomite, and took the catalog from his lotion-slathered hands.

Betty was my diagnosis wrong? I feel I rebuked correctly - careful reading on your BASH site leads me to believe that homosexuals find an impeccably upholstered club chair every bit as arousing as an engorged, bobbing penis.

Please let me know - my first instinct was to force him to read The Sharper Image catalog. He took one look at the Bubble Tower on the cover and said, "I can't work with that!"

I told him that was the point.

Yours in Christ,

Heartbroken in Hoboken

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