Dear Slovenly Slut of Satan:

I am made quite sanguine in the knowledge that there are many laughably misguided souls out there who, like you, deem prêt-à-porter travesties like Liz Claiborne pleasing to God. I am simply overt with ambivalence whenever I see women who clothe themselves in such a slip-shod fashion and with such total disregard for those of us who are actually blessed with taste, and for whom the sight of a machine-stitched garment can ruin an otherwise lovely afternoon. While I will admit to a benign impulse to lend assistance to such a clueless soul as yourself (by either providing a constructive upbraiding or simply advising the person to never leave their residence), more often than not I remain uncharacteristically mute. You see, if all were pleasing to the Lord, Heaven would become intolerably crowded - simply teeming with annoying people. And somehow, when one thinks of Heaven as being like one of those Chinese newsreels featuring an overflowing sea of poorly dressed peasants, the prospect of the afterlife loses some of its bloom.

Not that I need fear running into you in God's Glory, as I somehow doubt Heaven will be zoned for a red-light district, dear. As usual, God delights in delicious ironies when meting out appropriate punishments. While you sleeping with "a dozen or so" men will guarantee you a deathtime membership in Hell, these men, by sleeping with you, have already experiences a Hell of sorts, which should provide a gruesome preview of what ultimately awaits them.

As for your vulgar threat to emit noxious fumes in my presence, a woman with your lowly pedigree would never have occasion to be in the same room as me. And meeting in the afterlife will be made impossible by my nonnegotiable aversion to anyplace with extreme heat and obese people screaming (which is why you would never find Mrs. Bowers at Six Flags Over Anything). Further, a woman as common as you are can, no doubt, be counted upon to always wear a fragrance so strident and apply it with such enthusiasm as to annihilate any other aroma within fully a one-block radius.

So Close To God, He's Waiving The Carry-On Baggage Limitations for My Ascension,