Dear Sister in Christ in the Queen City:

I was having apéritifs the other day at the Four Seasons with Dora Denkins. She is an inveterate philander, unapologetic lush, but a fabulous dresser with an eye for the flow of expensive fabric and hence a dear, dear friend of mine. Dora asked, no doubt with herself in mind (as her attention seldom veers too far away from that particularly dreary subject), "Betty, and by the way you look fabulous in that Dolce & Gabbana number, how can you stand to answer all those letters in your column by all those ignorant people who know nothing of Christ?" While taking a moment to allow the nuanced drape of the delicious, imported fabric of my skirt to verily spill like warm honey over my lovely knees, I responded: "Dora, dear, since the ascension, there is no one on Earth more knowledgeable about the ways of Christ than I am. Indeed, if I had to rely on corresponding with those more knowledgeable about the ways of our Savior, I would be left with no one to write to, dear. Besides, I delight in pointing out the theological shortcomings of my readers. Yes, they annoy me greatly with their stupidity, but often it is only my Christ-like patience that stands between them and the fiery pits of Hell."

Which, of course, brings me to your droll inquiry, dear. What a foolishly silly girl you are! Why on earth would Jesus abide by those annoying menu prohibitions of the Jews? Jewish food is beyond dreadful -- something an omniscient God would know. (Let's face it, when it comes to the world's best restaurants, Tel Aviv doesn't exactly spring to mind!) This was why Jesus was the very first Jew to convert to Christianity!

While many people would argue that, as a Fundamentalist who says they adhere to every literal world of the Bible, how could I not be Kosher? Well the reason is quite simple, dear. It's really a lot of bother - and, face it, who doesn't love the taste of bacon? While Jesus did actually say something to the effect that He had not come to do away with the old laws, I, like most Fundamentalist Christians with any sense, like to sort of rush over that part of the New Testament. I find it more expedient to dwell on the bit about Jesus "fulfilling the old law," which means that - somehow - we can now ignore everything God told us was important to Him. Now while some may regard this as a somewhat cheeky undermining of the Father by an upstart Son, it really cuts down on the pots and pans in a kitchen, so I am unabashedly in favor of it. So, my reading of the Christ's directive is that we can ignore the proscriptions of the Old Testament. Unless, of course, they are directed at other people - like homosexuals.

In any event, obviously, Jesus would not have been prohibited from enjoying a lovely spiral honey-baked ham after the exhausting ordeal of being crucified (which, I am told, is roughly equivalent to 4 consecutive step aerobics classes - imagine the appetite you would work up!) Nevertheless, I think this is all moot speculation. According to Jesus, Mary, rather full of her "immaculateness" was seldom seen to lift a measuring cup in her cramped little kitchen. Why do you think for His last supper, He ate out?

So Close To Jesus, His Oedipal Mother Has Taken To Referring To Me as "That Woman,"