Dear Mrs. Breedlove:

Let me see if I understand your predicament, dear. Your husband is sparing you from the most unsavory of all connubial duties - Godly submission to an ungodly act -- and you are complaining about it? Such suffering! My, dear, you are a veritable suburban Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn.

As for your husband's Baptists Are Saving Homosexuals experience, B.A.S.H. enjoys a 100% success rate in turning even the most swishy homosexuals into swishy married Former-Gays.* But in order for this transformation to work, it requires years and years of that one thing that is the cornerstone of our Christian faith - tithing.** And according to my records, your husband is three months behind in his payments!

Furthermore, making a Ex-Gay is very similar to stirring a lovely crème brûlée - if you try to set it too quickly, it all falls apart. Not every B.A.S.H. apprentice can move overnight from ecstasy quaffing, glo-stick swinging, Deborah Cox bouncing, buff-body grinding gay circuit-party boy to a Dockers clad, Bible reading father of three in a comfortable Chaps sweater. This is why I often recommend that men coming out of the homosexual lifestyle make a more gradual transition. Your husband may wish to first join a group that allows men to homoerotically frolic and grope under the protective cloak of respectable Bible worship. I am, of course, talking about Promise Keepers.

*Those who lapse are so given over to the siren call of Satan and Black Dance Divas that they are not counted in B.A.S.H.'s statistics.

** Your husband's B.A.S.H. enrollment came with a stack of 100 envelops preprinted with an address in Switzerland - your husband's heterosexual cure will not "take" until the last envelope is stuffed and stamped, dear.

So Close To Jesus, We Have Joint Checking,