Dear Mrs. Dawkins-Shoope:

You know that I, Mrs. Betty Bowers, am the first person to decry the influence that those appallingly vile homosexual men have in today's culture! And it is absolutely imperative that each of us saved Christians takes an unbending, uncompromising stand against the insidious presence of ungodly sodomites in our Christian world!

So, by all means, take a blow torch to your children's Tellietubbies video! Rip your daughter's Disney's cross-dressing dyke Mulan poster to shreds!

But, dear, your fervor should not become so extreme as to risk your personal appearance! While I applaud the fierce courage that it must take to show up in public wearing clothing designed by heterosexuals, I don't think I will be able to walk a mile in your shoes - much less in the unsightly gowns you will be left to chose from.

I must say though, I am absolutely shocked to hear you refer to that gaudy Donatella Versace as Gianni's wife. I have met her several times in Milan (while doing by annual Armani missionary work) and it never occurred to me that Donatella was a woman! What woman with that kind of money would peroxide her own hair in the kitchen sink, as poor Donatella so obviously does? And the dear thing's face looks like an old leather handbag pulled over the disheveled bone structure of a rugby player. Well, you certainly learn something new every day. But, it stands to reason. I should have guessed the Versaces were a heterosexual couple - what gay man would invent clothes so dreadfully loud and trashy? It's like I've always said:

"Armani is to Versace what Meryl Streep is to Suzanne Somers!"

So Close To Jesus, I Know His AOL Password