Dear Foolish Reader:

I think it perhaps inaccurate to say that Jesus was "into" piercings. Indeed, it appears that the piercings were more exactly described as being "into" Him. It is safe to say that Jesus was no more a willing participant in this particular fashion choice than, say, Hester Prine was in stumbling upon a sporty sanguine capital "A," which has now become de rigueur for any Atlanta Braves devotee. While sports enthusiasts are typically a full two decades behind any useful fashion trend, it appears that Jesus, in His all knowing Wisdom, was truly centuries ahead of the body piercing vogue that we have recently witnessed. And just because Jesus didn't necessarily voluntarily elect to don an edgy thorn chapeau, doesn't mean He shouldn't get credit for the trends it has inspired. Fashion has always been serendipitous! Sometimes, it simply takes being in the wrong place at the wrong time. I mean, who could honestly say that Jackie Kennedy's pink Chanel suit would have become such a celebrated clothing option had it not been for lone gunman whom, from all the pictures, appears to have known nothing about the reliable Paris houses of fashion?

Whereas the Old Testament has instructions on body piercing (cheerfully recommends using reeds at Kings 2:21), these helpful hints were not put to much use until more recently. But someone up in heaven is apparently quite a collector of body jewelry. Otherwise, why would God have warned those saucy Daughters of Zion that He was going to take their "nose jewels"? (Isa. 3:21). Now it is only speculation at best to say this covetous jewelry-snatcher is Jesus. My money would be on the BVM, as women long deprived of quality jewelry tend to overdo it a bit when their fortunes change or they marry well.

In conclusion, my advice when it comes to fashion accessories that draw blood is unwavering: less is more. I am particularly against genital jewelry. I question the wisdom of slapping down an AMEX card for 18 kt. gold when, presumably, so few people will have occasion to see it. When jewelry isn't seen it can't incite gut-wrenching envy in others, thus failing to perform its only useful purpose.

So Close To God He Is Scheduling the Apocalypse To Give Me Time to Be Fitted For A Fabulous Outfit Suitable for Judging,