Dear Reverend Cygnus:

In addition to finding it deplorably showy of you to type in tongues on my otherwise tastefully restrained website, I am afraid I am going to have to reveal you for the charlatan that you most certainly are. I know for a fact that while you were typing your tortured prose to me you could not possibly have been possessed and moved by the Holy Spirit. I suspect, instead, that Satan himself was at your keyboard as his spelling is atrocious and difficult to replicate with any verisimilitude outside of certain parts of West Virginia.

And how do I know that the Holy Spirit was not within you? Because The Bird was with me all afternoon enjoying my ripostes and apéritifs, so he couldn't possibly have been squandering such a lovely afternoon in your less enchanting company. Further, when Mrs. Bowers is speaking no one's -- not even that flighty Bird's -- attention wanders off long enough for even the briefest of possessions. So, let me pause ever so briefly in my busy day to rebuke you. (No matter how many times I rebuke my fellow man, it never fails to give me the most enchanting, ethereal tingle!)

As for your nefarious website, which purports to undermine the Bible - what an contemptible conceit! As everyone knows, each and every word of the Bible was dictated straight from the Lord Himself (it's like they say, everyone has one book in them) -- who else could come up with such an outrageously misanthropic tale? Frankly, I don't understand why people are so obsessed with "proving" that there are errors in the Bible. It seems such an extraneous endeavor! It has been my experience that by the time most of my brethren Fundamentalists get finished redacting the portions that they don't wish to apply to them, there is so very little left of the Bible that it is hardly likely that those few passages will contain any errors!

So Close to God, I only Have Four Commandments,