Dear Mr. Barnett:

The ineffable nuances that separate jewelry that most woman wear from what Mrs. Bowers would be seen with is a subject almost as close to me as Jesus. Indeed, if you ever hear me refer to being "stoned to death," I have usually just returned from a joyous afternoon in the private viewing room at Cartier.

One of the great lessons of life is that if one is resourceful enough, everything can be parlayed into a reason for quality jewelry. Religion is certainly no exception. Regrettably, the focal design of our particular religion happens to be a device of state-sanctioned human execution. Not what I would have chosen, but we are left by God to work with it. It does, however, give me some pause for relief that Jesus did not wait until 20th Century America to visit, as electric chairs and lethal injection apparatus are rather difficult to evoke with any elegance -- even set in platinum.

Now, to your question. Should one wear a lavaliere that depicts a human body in the process of being tortured to death? The answer would appear self-evident to all but Marilyn Manson fans and Catholics. For my taste, while a simple cross coyly alludes to torture, anything more graphic seems to morbidly delight in the specifics and generally ruin the geometric pleasures of the unadorned cross. In any event, jewelry that depicts anyone in the act of actually dying an agonizing death would seem incontrovertibly too gothic to be worn by anyone other than Cher before 5pm.

So Close to Jesus, He Uses My Birthday When He Buys Lotto Tickets,