Dear Reader:

Allow me to applaud your Pastor! The more poorly dressed people we can keep out of church, the more pleasant attendance will be for those of us with a keen eye for the insouciant drape of fabric that only comes from A-List designers.

I have always taken to never socially acknowledging women who dress unsuitably for their gender. Frankly, I am just as likely to impart a simple "hello" on a woman wearing pants as I am to plant a big, sloppy kiss on a man sporting an off-the-shoulder Badgley Mischka sequined tea-length cocktail dress. It won't happen.

Women who wear slacks are clearly of the devil. Whether they have realized that they are lesbians or not is beside the point. I have.

And it is not out of idle curiosity that I ask every Christian couple I meet, "Who wears the pants in your family?" Women who don trousers, in addition to broadcasting their unnatural subconscious lust for vaginas, are telling everyone that their panty waist husband is not a "real" man. Or a "real" Christian for that matter! Christian husbands follow God's commandment to order their silent wives around. And if a wispy little husband can't prevail upon his spouse to put on a skirt, how can he be expected to make her do all the other things one has to do in order to be accepted as a "real" Christian in the social circles that matter?

And make no mistake; God has clearly taken sides in the so-called "battle of the sexes." The Blessed Lord has told women in no uncertain terms to "shut the hell up" and "do everything your husband tells you to do you silly little apple-eating ninny!" 1 Timothy 2. Thusly, the dear loving Lord has damned every feminist who ever walked this Earth in a comfortable shoe to an eternal lesson in feminine submission. In Hell.

Let me also say, that it is not simply enough to wear skirts or dresses at all times (even when cleaning your husband's home). Some attention should be paid to the particular feminine attire you chose. And yes, ladies, I'm talking about labels! To be a born-again Christian it is not enough to just put them on other people, you must have some nice ones of your own! For example, last week, while I was sitting in my pew (designated as such with a lovely brass and semi-precious-stone plaque), a cursory scan of the occupants of the $75 seats revealed an appalling amount of prêt-à-porter! Gals, if you can't put together a more stylish ensemble for Jesus, you obviously don't love Him as I do and certainly don't deserve admittance into Heaven looking like that! I assure you: the "softer side of Sears" will lead to the harder side of the back of God's hand. Praise the Lord!

So Close to Jesus, He's opened up to me about His Martyr Complex,