Dear Sister Lost to Satan:

It is my understanding that Tommy Hilfigger has been designated by Mr. Beelzebub as the "Official" designer of the unChristian netherworld. While such deals normally hinge on money changing hands, I hear that such was not the case in this particular instance. You see, as the very purpose of Hell is to perpetually torment its inhabitants, what better way to cause Hell's populace to suffer than to subject them to the constant visual assault of stop-sign red, canary-yellow and a stridently printed name of someone synonymous with ham-fisted vulgarity? To make matters worse, it is my understanding that demons in primary-color "jogging suits" will be posted at the gates of Hell to spritz new arrivals with the ghastly fumes of "Tommy" (a fragrance reminiscent of an inexpensive dessert suffering from flatulence).

Thus, as garish ready-wear will be the order of the day in Hell, you will not be permitted to bring any article of clothing that could be reasonably construed as approaching taste or refinement. Nevertheless, this does not mean that such clothing should go to waste. As even the most cursory perusal of any suburban shopping mall will reveal, most of the living are already experiencing a Hell of their own each time they encounter a full length mirror. Regrettably, from the looks of most of them, such encounters are far too rare indeed. In response to this apparent aesthetic emergency, God has called upon me to raise money for "Full Length Mirror Drives" throughout the United States. While access to such mirrors may not cause some of the more egregious dressers to buy lovely new things, it will, hopefully, turn most of them into shut-ins who resort to having all their meals delivered! Praise the Lord when that glorious day arrives!

So Close To Jesus, I'm His Co-Pilot,