Dear Woman With a Suspiciously Catholic Sounding Name:

Being a rather celebrated and finicky hostess, the personal hygiene of my dinner guests is of no small concern. This is precisely why so few French and British visitors, strangers both to regular and effective showers, are invited to my soirées during the summer months, even though I adore their table bon mots. That being said, if one of my guests were to disrobe and begin scrubbing between the toes of the other guests, I can assure you, they would never make it to the soup course. Yes, I know what you are going to say, "But Jesus did it!" I am well aware that our Blessed Savior did indeed perform such an outrageous stunt, but Jesus Christ did not move in the same elevated social circles that Mrs. Bowers would like to remain.

Besides, I think when you hear what was really going on, you will see things my way. About a decade ago, Jesus and I were drinking a lovely Château LaFite Rothchild and dishing the Nolan Miller costumes on an episode of Dynasty. Anyway, Alexis Morrell-Carrington-Colby-Dexter-Rowan-Colby was getting a pedicure and I asked Jesus about the foot washing thing. I said, "I mean, what kind of self-esteem issues were going on there that you were washing people's filthy feet? What's up with that?" Just when I was expecting His usual moaning about having an absent Father who wanted to kill him and a bossy, theologically-climbing mother who was angling for co-redemtrix even though she hadn't done squat, he started laughing. Jesus said, "Betty, by the way you look wonderful in that Oscar de la Renta gabardine jacket, the foot washing thing was just a joke between me and Mark. We wanted to find out where Peter got his shoes. We knew they were Italian, because they were fabulous, but he wouldn't tell us who made them. So, the foot washing thing was just a rouse to get them off his feet."

Before anyone tries anything similar on me, I get my shoes at Neimans!

So Close To Jesus, He Uses My Birthday When Buying Lotto Tickets,