Dear Hell-bound Practitioner of a False Faith:

Methodists, Lutherans, Apostolic, Christian Reformed, Episcopals, Evangelicals, Reformed Presbyterians, and Presbyterians, while all lovely people, are all going straight to Hell. Each of them believes something just a little bit incorrect, which will preclude them from entry into God's Glory. While they may, in their own little way, be making a good faith effort to worship Jesus, they might as well be members of some savage, Bacchanalic cult that sacrifices humans on their front lawns after a tequila-drinking orgy for all the good their false faith will do when it comes time to ring Heaven's door bell. God, taking a cue from Mrs. Bowers, does not come to the door for heretics.

Getting into heaven is very similar to the NCAA Basketball Tournament. While being in the Sweet Sixteen -- a Christian Church -- or the Final Four -- a born-again Christian Church -- is a lovely thing, it does not mean that you have won. Only one team wins the coveted trophy. The path to Heaven is strewn with teams that played well, but fail to sink a perfectly nuanced theological 3-pointer at the buzzer.

Artfully switching metaphors, the road to Heaven is very, very tricky and narrow and has no shoulder. It is easy to take a false turn, simply by not understanding an arcane precept of faith that hinges on the most delightfully obtuse interpretation of a canon imaginatively extrapolated from a single word burrowed deep within translated Biblical text.

I've always considered the inherent difficulty of getting into Heaven to be a wonderful thing, as I tend not to relish membership in any organization that isn't extremely selective. If God would just - willy nilly -- allow anyone into Heaven, there would be so many people there that I simply would wish to have nothing to do with that just being near them would be too icky to contemplate. I mean, if heaven is just going to involve avoiding all the same people you shun here on earth, how fun would that be?

From the sounds of your uninformed query, I won't be expecting to see you in God's Glory.

So Close To Jesus, I Know His AOL Password