Dear Sister in Style and Christ:

Risk alienating women who wear sweats? My dear, women who wear "sweats" must be alienated at all costs. They are, without exception, slobs or lesbians and I have no time for either. As I have made clear, only people just like me are going to be invited to God's Glory in Heaven. And I don't - ever - wear athletic clothing. And I cannot help but think that my exquisite taste in clothing played no small part in Jesus seeking out my company.

Your story reminds me of when I was doing Missionary work in Uganda. Many of my fellow sisters in Christ chose to wear tee-shirts and pink Doris Day peddle-pushers. I scoffed at such informal, to say nothing of anachronistic, choices, reminding my less glamorous brethren that we were denying the concubines of General Amin a wonderful opportunity to witness firsthand the marvelous turn of a Robert Clegerie crocodile heel and the insouciant flow of quality fabric when cut with the knowing eye of an Anne Klein (who was still alive back then - don't under any circumstances buy the trash mass-produced now under her necrophilic namesake!). No matter how torridly hot or humid our little jungle baptism hole got, I was always wearing a freshly pressed and fabulous little number that I had airlifted over for the sole purpose of showing up the ambassador's wife. If I can wear such lovely clothes in that godforsaken part of the globe, it is surely not asking too much that you be well turned out in suburban America, where there is a dry cleaner in every strip-shopping-center!

I applaud you for embracing the truly born-again notion of home-schooling your children, dear. While the idea of children being taught by people who know very little themselves might be alarming on its face, it is essential that we sequester our offspring from humanistic and ungodly subjects taught in other schools - such as biology and physics. As a bonus, home schooling provides you with the ideal venue for teaching your children what really matters in life - the ability to be at all times closer to Jesus and more expensively dressed than the person you are speaking with, regardless of the occasion. It is only by your example that your children will grow up to be the type of people Mrs. Bowers would allow into her lovely home, in contradistinction to those vile children who will all grow up to wear gaudy athletic-wear as their bodies take shapes that belie just how little athletic activity they are actually doing.

And if Mrs. Bowers cannot find room in her absolutely enormous manse for such unsightly creatures, how could we possibly expect a busy, busy God to do so, especially after I've repeatedly told him that those people give me an unrelenting migraine?

So Close To Jesus, For My Birthday He Is Surprising Me With A Lovely Meteor Shower (try not to be in China/Burma/Laos/Cambodia/Thailand in January),