Dear Brian:

You ask an interesting question, dear, but in applying logic to Christianity you show how very little you understand the basis of our faith. You see, God can treat us as miserably as He wishes (and does), and as the large black women on Jerry Springer will opine, "It's all good." You see, Christianity is all about how fabulous and dramatic God is and how rotten and gullible we are.

This brings me to your question about Jesus snatching Lazarus from the peace of the Hereafter to spend a few more years in the dreadful Middle East before air conditioning. While, no doubt, many mourners visiting Mary and Martha's house asked for their casseroles back once they realized that their brother Lazarus was no longer dead, many more were simply disappointed with the miracle that Jesus had chosen to entertain them with on that particular afternoon.

You see, Jesus' miracles were well known at this time and the folks in Bethany had, no doubt, heard of the fabulous miracle that Jesus had performed in Cana, turning water into a lovely, if too flinty, unprecocious wine. After that wedding reception came in so amazingly under budget, every party-giver in Galilee would ensure a huge turn-out by bragging that Jesus had RSVP'ed in the affirmative. Indeed, Jesus became quite a catch for any hostess with social aspirations as most of His miracles involved the production of an alcoholic beverage or a pitch-perfect impersonation of Edith Piaf (people had never heard French before, much less such a sultry chanteuse, so they called Jesus' incomprehensible lyrics "tongues"). For instance, at a small, ever-so-chic soiree in Jerusalem, Jesus had turned a rather pedestrian servant and her children into a vintage case of Veuve Cliqout from a year that had yet to occur! Quel surprise!

So, naturally, when people heard that Jesus was going to be at Lazarus' wake, they were optimistic that He would do something amusing, like conjure cunning little aperitifs and turn unleavened bread into something they had no name for, but we would recognize as pâté de foie gras. So, while the bringing back of a very old man from a, by then, accepted death was greeted with polite applause, the party ended surprisingly early and Jesus found that his social calendar began to dry up. Why else do you think He spent His very last night on Earth in a public restaurant when the most fabulous party with a live band was going on across town featuring some new ranconteur reported to be able to conjur a divinely degage hock from a half-cup of goat's blood?

So Close To Jesus The Jews Don't Believe In Me Either,