Dearest Sister Taffy:

Your righteous Christian disgust is quite justified. What an outrageous waste of time and money it is to be putting a roof over the unsaved! This is money that could be better spent converting Christian Broadcasting stations throughout the land to High Definition TV standards.

Our Blessed Savior lamented that the poor would always be with us, but He certainly said nothing about building them a pied a terre. Fortunately for us, the very concept of Christian charity has evolved since the time of Jesus. This is precisely why I have started my new ministry CHARITY. CHARITY, of course, stands for Christians Having A Righteously Itemized Tax Year. The words that appear on the masthead of CHARITY's lovely Crane stationery are embossed and stern: "When God said he helps those who help themselves, he wasn't referring to people who help themselves to welfare checks -- or second helpings at Shoney's buffet!"

Of course, liberals have willfully misconstrued our Blessed Savior's passing suggestion about helping the poor. During his day, before diversified portfolios and a stock market that gets higher than the cast of Friends, it was not a particularly onerous request of his followers to give away their few possessions to the poor. Let's face it, none of his disciples had a summer home on the Dead Sea. Nowadays, Christ wouldn't dream of making such a Marxist suggestion to his now more affluent followers.

Further, after many hours with my Bible and tax accountant, I have come to the epiphany that Jesus never meant for us to give anything to the poor now. He meant, of course, to do it after we die! You see, he is very clear in letting us know that the meek shall inherit the earth. And, frankly, they will be welcome to it, as the rest of us will have moved to our fabulously well appointed mansions in the sky by then.

Don't you see how our Lord's request that we give to the poor makes perfect sense? We can now all go out shopping for ourselves, sanguine in the knowledge that we have already purchased everything we own for the poor -- as they will inherit every bit of it when we are called to God's glory! And, let's face it, who would want a drafty little clapboard shotgun, thrown together by accountants and bearing no architectural flourish, when one can simply wait until the Rapture and move into my lovely 23 room Manhattan co-op? See how generously we Christians provide for the less fortunate? Praise the Lord!

So Close to Jesus, He's Seen Me Without Make-up (once),