Dear Dora:

Jane just this moment left my lovely Christian home. I am sure you have read in the papers about how I have personally brought that lost sparrow to Jesus. What a referral fee I will receive in the hereafter for that one! To be honest, Jane is used to powerful men who say things that make most people uncomfortable, so it was a rather easy transition. While not nearly as rich as Ted, Jesus doesn't expect her to speak to that uncouth redneck John Rocker, so it seemed a fair exchange. Besides, when I saw how much her AOL Time-Warner stock is worth, I knew I had to move quickly before the Vatican got to her. Personally, I think she simply sees giving money to a Baptist ministry as a way to get under Ted's skin. As you will recall, Mr. Turner has been damned to an eternity in Hell by our merciful Lord for saying "religion is for losers." The irony of Ted losing half his money to religion is not lost on Jane for a moment, I assure you. But motivation is not mine to question why -- once a check clears in Switzerland.

In any event, next time I see Ted, dear, I will tell him that if he ever feels nostalgia for the feel of your gangling breasts, I'd be more than pleased to let him know where you bought them. While I was dismayed that the Georgia Supreme Court decriminalized sodomy, Dora, you must at least take some solace in knowing that your usual salutation to strangers is no longer illegal.

So close to Jesus, he opens beers for me with the holes in his hands,