Dear Mr. Schmitt:

I appreciate you taking the time to write to me as one True Christian to another, as we make our glorious way through the day, waist-high in Blood of the Lamb (truly, the number of quality hose and skirts I have martyred for my faith is incalculable!) To answer your question, while I'm not above having Maria put fresh newspaper in the bottom of his lovely gilded cage every morning, I don't find much cause to resort to the company of the Holy Spirit. You see, the Lord, out of a reluctance to travel, established the Holy Spirit as a Lord-at-Large, if you will, to flit from place to place, perch on Christian's shoulders and interpret the Bible for them in any way that suits them, as it is otherwise unintelligible. What a thoughtful God we have to provide such a handy resource with no roaming charges!

I, however, am a little (well, actually, a lot) different from other Christians. You see, I spend so much quality time with Jesus (let's face it – we all have at least one friend who thinks it is OK to stop by uninvited), there is little point in me having to go to another member of the Trinity to make a decision. When it comes to the Trinity, the Lord does not require a quorum for anything involving less than $500,000, dear (and even this seemingly inviolate rule can be circumvented by breaking the big, tearful requests down into serial-prayers).

So close to Jesus, He knows where I hide the War of 1812 cognac from Mary,