Dear Lost Soul:

While your concerns for decorum are admirable, they are somewhat untimely. Social graces hold no sway in Hell, which, I grant you, hardly differentiates that particular place from most living rooms in America.

That is not to say that the Devil eschews etiquette here on Earth. Some will tell you that Satan scoffs at the well-bred turn of phrase and social pleasantry, but this is simply not the case. Indeed, it is Satan who was behind social protocol in the first place. Who else - outside of our nation's capital - could come up with such an intricate artifice designed solely to conceal how everyone truly feels? Sly, oily deceit is the child of the Devil.

This is in contradistinction to our Blessed Lord. Anyone who pays close attention to the Old Testament will see that God is rather rough around the edges - rudely barking rebukes and committing deplorable social faux pas, such as indelicately telling people to kill their children without so much as a perfunctory "please." Clearly, the God of the Old Testament is no one a civil lady would have in her home. Jesus, on the other hand, while hardly poised, is so thoroughly pleasant (except to that dreadful mother of His, who was always pestering Him in public for more wine), that one can easily overlook his lack of polish. Every time I am about to correct Him on some inartfully phrased request or awkward social contretemps, I remind myself "Well, he is rather well behaved for a carpenter."

So Close To Jesus, We Are Spending The Weekend Together in the Hamptons (and I always know it will be a sunny, lovely day),