Dear Sister in Christ:

Thank you for your lovely letter. I sometimes lose hope for women in this country of ours. Ladies tend to be only mechanically inclined in all the wrong things. It seems most have no problem wielding a curling iron while making a pot of coffee but become flummoxed when left to load a simple assault riffle! What are they thinking? It is so irresponsible to make yourself beautiful when you don't learn how to maim men who will inevitably make unwelcome advances. When I am sporting a new outfit that displays my fabulous legs, I often find occasion to disable a gawking stranger with a well-placed warning shot to their foot. I have the barrel of my semi-automatic coyly peeking out of the end of my Chanel clutch. So I simply look like I am going for a breath-mint and they never even see it coming.

I have just been as mad as a hornet over the aftermath of the Colorado school shootings. People have the effrontery to blame the NRA for this little incident. Clearly, if every child in that school had packed heat, they would have been able to return fire on those little ungodly hoodlums. Even if they didn't actually kill the perpetrators, simply opening fire in a public place would have been an exhilarating opportunity to participate in a great American Tradition without having to go through the degrading humiliation of having to actually deliver mail.

What we have learned from Colorado is this: Guns don't kill people. Unsaved children do. While I am aware that the Constitution only guarantees citizens the right to have firearms in order to maintain a "militia," I am completely in favor of how the actual wording of the Second Amendment has been routinely ignored and mangled by we people who love it most. Yes, we have a lot of people shot to death every day of the year, but it is very rare that they adorable, well-dressed, peppy, white children from acceptable suburbs as they were in Colorado. Indeed, from the pictures I see in the papers, most people who are shot to death are seldom particularly attractive. And while I would never necessarily wish a homely person dead, it is hard to muster even passing chagrin when it occurs.

What makes me saddest of all about Colorado is that some of the school children who died had probably not accepted Jesus Christ as their personal savior. Opps! As they might say, if alive, bummer. As all my readers know, that is one of many technical requirements to even get on the "waiting list" for Heaven. So, with all the love imbued in me by my devout Fundamentalist Christian Faith, I sadly note that some of those children are now roasting forever in Hell. So you see my point don't you? If only these children had had parents thoughtful enough to send them off to school with a simple hand-gun, they might still be alive and have time to adopt a Christian faith identical to mine in each and every respect - thus allowing them a shot at heaven. So, sometimes firearms can actually be the very road to salvation! Praise!

So Close To Jesus, He Has Many Times Brought People Back From The Dead Simply So That I Can Have the "Last Word,"