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Gals, I hear fellow Republican Christians talk ad nauseam about the importance of being "Christ-Like" and having "Traditional Family Values." Without exception, no one bothers to think about how these two topics cross-reference, so to speak. Since I am a better Christian than they (indeed, better than anyone, including you, gentle reader since, statistically speaking, you are probably unsaved trash), it has been left to me to be the first Christian to come up with an approach to running a Christian household that seamlessly dovetails the concepts of "Family Values" with being "Christ-Like." |
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| Most Christians are aware that the Old Testament encourages us to stone smart-mouthed children to death (Deuteronomy 21:18-21) and I have a purse full of anthracite to prove it! Nevertheless, they will tell you that the Lord underwent anger management between Testaments and the new, nicer Lord (Jesus) told us to ignore all the crazy rubbish the old, angry Lord (Yahweh) told us. To these followers of the Oprah-Jesus, God became no more theatening than a wet puppy. Honestly, how many times have you heard lesser Christians tell you that Christ is all about love?
Pardon me while I chuckle in a condescending, but not necessarily derisive manner! Such laughably ignorant faux-Christians have obviously never taken time to actually read their family Bibles. Gals, it's not just there for breaking cysts and beating sassy children on the backside! Since ignoring Jesus' pesky requests ("give away your worldly possessions" or, more galling, "don't judge") is a basic precept of American Christian Fundamentalism, it makes for a refreshing change to actually do as Jesus asks once in a while. Towards this unlikely end, and because I don't happen to get along with my dreadful mother-in-law, I am endorsing one thing Christ asked us to do, something most of your are already, unwittingly and effortlessly, doing: Hate our families! If only ALL of Jesus' requests were so easy to follow!
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If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple. Luke 14:26
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| DISC 1 |
BIBLICAL SECRETS TO EFFECTIVE HATING |
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You will learn how to hate not just the annoying relatives, but all of them! You will become more Christ-like with each familial rebuff. And the deeper you hurt them, the more you must love Jesus! Yes, it will be fun! Praise the Lord!
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Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword.
For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter-in-law against her mother-in law.
And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
Matthew 10:34-36
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| DISC 2 |
JUST BECAUSE THEY'RE DEAD DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO STOP HATING THEM! |
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 Take a tip from Jesus: If your father has just died, don't waste time on a funeral (and skip the cardio of digging a grave). Instead, go out with the guys! And if your mother complains, use Jesus' callous quip that is sure to shut her up:
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Let the dead bury the dead, [girl!].
Matthew 8:22
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| DISC 3 |
LEARN TO TREAT YOUR FAMILY AS CHRIST TREATED HIS -- WITH UTTER CONTEMPT! |
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| In order to be Christ-like, if your mother asks you a favor at a party, snarl at her in front of the other guests! For example, when Mary, not one to stay at a reception once the free booze was gone, complained to Jesus that "they have no wine," Jesus iced her with the following brusque remark: |
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Woman, what have I to do with thee?
John 2:4
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The Choice Is Yours
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When Jesus knocks on your door, will your family disappoint Him? Will you make Him weep by getting along?
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Or will you delight Him by showing that you have followed His Word by being caught in the middle of an ad hominem attack? Be a good Christian and let those dishes fly! |
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Don't Disappoint Jesus!
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OR HE'LL TORTURE YOU IN HELL
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