| Gals, I hear fellow Fundamentalist Christians talk ad nauseam about the concepts of being "Christ-Like" and "Traditional Family Values." Without exception, no one bothers to think about how these two topics cross-reference, so to speak. I, Mrs. Betty Bowers, being a better Christian than they are, indeed, better than anyone, am pleased to announce that I am the first Christian to come up with an approach that seamlessly dovetails the concepts of "Family Values" with "Being Christ-Like." |
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"Guide to Christ-like Family Values"
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Seminars on 6 VHS tapes or 1 DVD disc for only $2,895!
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"As soon as I knew Jesus wanted me to hate the little harlot, killing her was a snap!"
Celebrity endorsement by Mrs. Patsy Ramsey, famed for her fabulous holiday sweaters and for seldom killing her offspring.
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Many ignorant Christians think that Christ was "all about love," but they have obviously never taken the time to actually read the Bible. While ignoring Jesus' requests ("give away your worldly possessions") is a basic precept of American Christian Fundamentalism, it makes for a refreshing change to actually do as He asks once in a while. Towards this end, and because I don't happen to get along with my dreadful mother-in-law, I am bringing back into style one of the few things Christ asked us to do if we are to follow Him: hate our family.
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- If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple.
-Luke 14:26 (KJV)
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| TAPE 1 |
BIBLICAL SECRETS TO EFFECTIVE HATING
You will learn how to hate not just the annoying relatives, but all of them! You will become more Christ-like with each familial rebuff. And the deeper you hurt them, the more you must love Jesus! Praise the Lord!
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- For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
Matthew 10:34
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| TAPE 2 |
SHOW HOW LITTLE YOU CARE: LET THEM ROT!
Take a tip from Jesus: if your father has just died, don't waste time on a funeral (or even a tedious burial), go out with the guys! And if your mother complains, use Jesus' callous quip that is sure to shut her up:
- [Snap!]Let the dead bury the dead, [girl!].
-Matthew 8:22 (KJV)
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| TAPE 3 |
LEARN TO TREAT YOUR FAMILY AS CHRIST TREATED HIS -- WITH UTTER CONTEMPT!
In order to be Christ-like, if your mother asks you a favor at a party, snarl at her in front of the other guests! For example, when Mary, not one to stay at a reception once the free booze was gone, complained to Jesus that "they have no wine," Jesus snapped his fingers and told her to get lost.
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Woman, what have I to do with thee?
John 2:4 (KJV)
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The Choice Is Yours
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When Jesus knocks on your door, will your family disappoint Him? Will you make Him weep by getting along?
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Or will you delight Him by showing that you have followed His Word by being caught in the middle of an ad hominem attack? Be a good Christian and let those dishes fly! |
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Don't Disappoint Jesus!
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OR HE'LL TORTURE YOU IN HELL
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