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Creflo Dollars
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| Even a cursory reading of the New Testament reveals that Jesus was inexplicably on some sort of weirdly austere poverty trip. This would be a really annoying stumbling block for His followers if they actually paid any attention to what He says. For example, He seems to think there is something good about being poor. Hello? But, then again, what would you expect from someone born in a stable and -- quite obviously -- still dealing with class-resentment issues? Now, I'm not talking about "try to down-grade to business class once in a while to show some humility!" No, Jesus actually has the temerity to require His acolytes to "give away their worldly possessions." Can you imagine?
Well, as you might guess, as someone who collects $10,000 dresses like grade-schoolers collect Pokemon cards, this "suggestion" has never sat well with Mrs. Bowers. But being a Fundamentalist Christian, I couldn't simply ignore Jesus' suggestion; I had to interpret my way out of it. (For tips on how to do this effectively, see Mrs. Bowers' Guide to Biblical Interpretation). Just as I was parceling up a lovely Issey Miyake coat for the dreadful woman who sleeps on the vent in front of my Manhattan co-op, it stuck me: my Personal Savior never actually said when I had to give away my worldly possessions! So, I've had Miss Anne Thrope, my secretary, pencil in such a fabulous give-away on Judgment Day. True, this won't help most people to enjoy my wonderful objet d'art, but I anticipate long lines for the marginally-saved on Judgment Day and better that they wait on a lovely Louis Quatorze upholstered settee than in a refrigerator box -- and, it's like I always say, "If you're going to cool your heels, let them be Gucci!"
My artful interpretation of Jesus' directive has allowed me to continue to live a life of obscene luxury, while remaining a pious Fundamentalist Christian who follows Jesus' every Word. Such agile theological dexterity is rather my specialty, so I expect no applause. But I would like to thank the Christian trailblazers out there who have done so much to turn our Christian faith 180 degrees away from Jesus' annoying penchant for poverty. And it is with this in mind that:
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Mrs. Betty Bowers is pleased to announce this month's
Friend Of Our Lord:
Creflo Dollar(s)
and all Christians in the fabulous "Prosperity" Movement
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Reverend Dollar (with a name any sitcom writer would dismiss as "too obvious") of World Moneychangers, oops, I mean World Changers Ministries of Atlanta has found it in his heart to not only ignore Jesus' silly attachment to poverty, but to teach that Jesus actually wants us to be very rich! Now, that is a preacher Mrs. Bowers can certainly follow! Can I hear an "amen"? I thought as much!
And Pastor Dollar is no hypocrite! Reputably riding in a Rolls Royce and flying by private jet, Pastor Dollar truly shows that charity begins at home! Praise the Lord! Let's take a moment to compare what Pastor Dollar says with what that wet-blanket Jesus had to say. I think you'll agree with me that if we have to chose to listen to one of them, Pastor Dollar has a message that will go over better with American Christian focus groups: |
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Jesus Signs:
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Dollar Signs:
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| So likewise, whosoever he be of you that forsaketh not all that he hath, he cannot be my disciple.
Luke 14:33
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" When you're prosperous in God, you don't have to look for wealth. Wealth looks for you." |
| Go thy way, sell whatsoever thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven: and come, take up the cross, and follow me.
And he was sad at that saying, and went away grieved: for he had great possessions.
And Jesus looked round about, and saith unto his disciples, How hardly shall they that have riches enter into the kingdom of God!
Mark 10:21-23
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" I don't know about you, but I don't ever want prosperity to have trouble locating me. I want to keep my light on. I'm like that motel chain--you know the one I'm talking about. They promise to keep the light on so that you can find them. I'll continue to walk in the light of God's Word so that my prosperity can find me easily. I'll continue to live my life in the absence of darkness, in the absence of sin, because I know the wealth of God is hunting for me day and night. I won't do anything that displeases God, hinders my blessings, and prevents the goodness coming my way from reaching its destination." |
| It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God.
Mark 10:25
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"As soon as Jesus arrived, that anointing to prosper acted like a magnet, drawing wise men with gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh. Those were not cheap gifts, either. Prosperity attached itself to baby Jesus immediately, and that same gift to prosper has been given to us as heirs of Christ." |
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| As you might imagine, Mrs. Bowers is giddy with relief after hearing Pastor Dollar not only ignore Jesus pesky request that we be poor, but his decision that God actually requires us to be rich! Never one to deny my Blessed Lord, Mrs. Bowers jumps with alacrity to this glorious task at hand, racking up countless Bonus Miles on AMEX to His Glory! Praise!
For those of you still in doubt that God wants us to be rich (regardless of what his Son says), read what I found on Pastor Dollar's website: |
"God's will is for all men to be saved by hearing the gospel preached (i.e. through television, radio, theatre production, music, outreach programs, etc.). Money and wealth are essential if we are to achieve this goal.
In order to prove that God is not speaking about just enough for you, review the things that He has called us to do then decide if wealth in the hands of Christians is not a requirement.
GOD'S REQUIREMENT OF MONEY:
List of 12 things that God requires:
Tithe
Offering
Give to the Man of God
Give to the House of God
Provide of family and children
Have a substantial savings
Leave an inheritance to my children's children
Good retirement
Pay bills on time
Pay taxes
Not borrow
Give to the poor
Lend to the believer
-- Reverend Creflo Dollar
(All Creflo Dollar quotes are taken without alteration from his ministry website at http://www.projectchange.com/)
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