Betty: First, I must applaud you for a courageous decision in Bush v. Gore, dear. I was so concerned that your ability to declare our candidate president by judicial fiat might be fettered by the law -- or some such other annoying impediment to GOP rule.
Antonin: And let a fag-loving, baby-killer Democrat in the White House? Betty, you know me better than that! (laughs)
Betty: Oh, I know it was embarrassingly naïve of me to think your own rhetoric about so-called "state's rights" might require you to allow those tiresome people in Florida to actually count their silly votes.
Antonin: As if. One call from James Baker and I put a stop to that dangerous vote-counting nonsense pronto.
Betty: Praise! And you and the Chief Justice fashioned a fabulously artful opinion that told those people in Florida: "You can do another recount, but you can't do another recount." It was almost as if Lewis Carroll had written it. I adored it.
Antonin: That was the beauty of it. We told them they didn't have time to do any recounts.
Betty: But only after you had held them up twice, which made sure they wouldn't have time.
Antonin: You noticed that, huh? (laughs)
Betty: And I also noticed that when you sent the first case back to Florida, you coyly didn't even mention this so-called "equal protection" nonsense. In fact, you gave those Demon-cratic fools the impression that it could be ruled on as a matter of Florida law.
Antonin: We totally blindsided them! (laughs)
Betty: Truly, you are doing the Lord's work! It was masterful.
Antonin: They fell right into it. And if they had seen through that trap, I had plenty of other new Constitutional arguments to test-drive. Hell, we were ready to revoke the 14th Amendment as a fallback position -- just because Sandy O'Connor wanted to see the look on Jesse Jackson's face! (laughs)
Betty: Oh, you naughty boy! (laughs)
Antonin: Well, it's sort of hard to have your political wishes blocked by the law when you are the damned law! (laughs) Besides, it's the least I can do after Bush got me on this court and his son said all those nice things about me on the campaign trail. It's not like I don't read the paper. (laughs)
Betty: Truly, this is a wonderful example of fine Christian manners being repaid a thousand-fold. It's like I always tell the girls at Bringing Integrity To Christian Homemakers: "Take time to say something positive about someone unpleasant in front of a live camera and, well, one day they may repay you with something that costs a lot of money!"
Antonin: In this case, the presidency! (laughs)
Betty: Now, I don't normally turn to Hellbound Catholics such as you for information, but tell me, entre nous, what went on behind closed doors in crafting this gloriously partisan decision?
Antonin: Well, Rehnquist wants to retire, but he can't until there is a Republican president to replace him with a Republican justice. So rigging it for Bush was no-brainer for Bill.
Betty: Knowing Bill as I do, I knew he wasn't going to stand for all those uppity colored people complaining about their so-called "right to vote."
Antonin: True story (link)-- Rehnquist got his start in Arizona keeping colored people from voting for Democrats. With a fist -- if necessary! So this decision fit like a glove.
Betty: I believe the phrase he used over cocktails was "fits like a nice pair of brass knuckles!" (laughs) Now, speaking of colored people, I knew we could, of course, count on Whatshisname.
Antonin: Uncle Thomas?
Betty: Yes, that's the one. He never says anything from the bench so I forgot his name.
Antonin: Let's face it; he's not the sharpest knife in the drawers --
Betty: Oh, dear. Yes, I forgot about that Anita Hill harlot.
Antonin: Anyway, so the less he says the smarter we look.
Betty: Besides, it's like having two votes, so who's complaining? This latest decision just underscores the Supreme Court's support of Family Values. I am, of course, speaking of support for your own families. For instance, Whatshisname's wife–
Antonin: Ginny-Tonic Thomas?
Betty: Yes. She's white isn't she?
Antonin: Well, don't tell him he's not, Betty! (laughs)
Betty: She works for Heritage Foundation, which is busy helping the Bush administration with conservative appointments for our new GOP administration.
Antonin: Well, that's just it. If we voted for Gore -- ur, I mean not to reverse the Florida Court, it might affect their ability to get that beach place they want.
Betty: And then there is your son–
Antonin: Yes, he works for the lawfirm that represented George Bush in the case that was before us. It's Christmas; he's up for a year-end bonus. So I'm not about to make my son look bad at work! (laughs)
Betty: Well, particularly since the only reason he got the job is because of your position on the Supreme Court. Now, truly, that is the type of "judicial activism" that would make any son proud. My favorite part of the decision was on page two of the concurring opinion: "Of course, in ordinary cases, the distribution of powers among the branches of a State's government raises no questions of federal constitutional law, subject to the requirement that the government be Republican in character."
Antonin: I wrote that!
Betty: I just knew it. I adore that the law of the land is now -- officially -- that we simply must have a government that is Republican!
Antonin: Hey, least I can do.
Betty: I just don't know how to thank you.
Antonin: Oh, I do. Remind W next time you see him about the Chief Justice position when Bill retires.
Betty: I'll write a note to his mother Bar as soon as I leave the courthouse. He does anything his mother tells him! Well, as long as she doesn't fuss about cocaine, drinking while driving, underage lovers having abortions, business failures, military desertion, working more than three hours a day or mistresses.