The holiday Halloween always presents a problem to people who only like Ghosts if they get inside them and make them convulse on the floor of a public building, gurgling saliva and screaming nonsensical words. But, let's face it, being Pentecostal is not everyone's cup of tea -- and can ruin the crease in silk and linen! For such people who like their Ghosts Holy, Halloween is a time when non-saved people do strange things at the bidding of Satan. Each year, children are faced with the tricky dilemma of how to stock up on those yummy bite-size Three Musketeers bars without succumbing to Devil Worship.

But, I ask you, Why can't Halloween be both frightening AND religious?

Thanks to some deft bruise and blood make-up and paper mâché rocks, our eight year old daughter Tartuffe is going to be trick or treating this year as a non-virgin wife who was brutally stoned to death by eager townsfolk. Where did we get such a wonderfully gruesome idea for a costume? A Stephen King novel? No! An R-rated blood-drenched, teen slasher movie? No! When looking for horrific gore, why resort to secular garbage that we either burn or condemn when we already have the Bible?

But if [t]he tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel:
Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die.

Deuteronomy 22:20-21

Sporting a concave skull and a look of excruciating remorse, adorable little Tartuffe will not only enjoy a windfall of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, she will also provide our entire fabulously landscaped and zoned neighborhood with a lesson about what God has in mind for women who wear tight clothing and spread their legs before saying "I do." After all, if you want to spread your wings in Heaven, you had better not spread your legs on Earth.

In looking for truly terrifying costumes, do not waste time with New Testament stories that, for the most part, lack the gore of the more sensationalistic Old Testament. After all, Halloween is a time for vindictive wrath, not blandly turning the other cheek. And remember: Even though I don't normally condone including Apocrypha in your Bible study, make special room for it at this time of year. Apocrypha is a veritable treasure trove of gruesome Halloween ideas!

But don't limit yourself to religious lessons that appear in the Good Book! Halloween is a perfect vehicle for assailing all kinds of liberal, America-hating thinking! For example, our little Cliff once dressed as a late-term abortion. The authenticity of his costume was so wonderful that when he rang a doorbell, most neighbors simply shrieked and slammed their door in his mucous (cornstarch and vegetable shortening) and blood ("Colonial brick" Ralph Lauren paint) covered face. While Billy was not pleased with his lack of candy, I explained that it was more important to remind people of the horrors of the wages of sin than scarf down a bag of Mounds bars and candycorn. I did mollify him somewhat by promising that the next year he could go as our Sweet Lord from Revelation -- and he certainly wouldn't be the one who got killed.