BETTY BOWERS REVIEWS

    KINSEY

    Mrs. Bowers reflects upon the rather useful Baptist miracle of making facts vanish by simply not talking about them.

Mrs. Kinsey (Laura Linney) shamelessly demonstrates to her doctor the length of her husband's member, proving that the only thing more odious than a harlot is a braggart
As Baptists, we know that there is nothing more shameful and disgusting than someone else's s-xual pastimes. It is by no small coincidence that most Americans happen to worship a Savior whose mother would only agree to save mankind if she was also allowed to save her virginity in the process.

As a conservative Christian I like to think of perverted s-x as being akin to conversation: it doesn't happen until someone opens his mouth. The pornographic film Kinsey underscores the frightening power of spoken words and the salutary balm of eye-avoiding silence. While we Republicans remain perfectly content to coolly remark upon the lovely thread-count and delicate pattern of America, One Nation Under the Sheets, some voyeuristic liberal menace like Alfred Kinsey is always itching to pull back the percale to give everyone a shocking glimpse of the vile entanglements underneath.

But, friends, the worst is always yet to come. These wretched peeping tomcats, pathologically obsessed with revolting actuality, are not content to merely ascertain what is occurring in America. No, they must add to their mischief by doing the most galling thing imaginable to values-voters when it comes to sex: talk about it! Yes, these irresponsible observers regale the improvidently curious with facts, knowing full well that they are undermining a painstakingly crafted and lovely illusion of American chastity and marital fidelity.

No, outrageous sexual hijinks didn't start with the publication of Mr. Kinsey's book in 1948, but while the Victorians may have had an underage brothel every place we now have a coffeehouse, at least they had the Christian sense not to talk about it! Similarly, the current blood oath we GOPers have made to never verbally acknowledge that our Emperor in Washington is bereft of clothing is equally useful in pretending that other naked citizenry are abstaining from inappropriate touching until their first of many sacred marriages. Why? Because we say so! Or, more accurately, because we don't say so, as we refuse to discuss any alternate, more fidelitous version of that secular nuisance some call "reality." Verily I say onto thee: for True Christians, the only thing more disgusting than being disgusting is discussing the disgusting.

You see, in America today, just as saying the words "I'm a follower of Jesus" makes it so (regardless of what you do), not saying "teenagers are having sex" makes it not so (regardless of what they do). Behold: the power of the unspoken Word in conservative discourse! Any American Christian worth her Mercedes who professes to follow the teachings of Jesus "give everything you own to the poor" Christ will gratefully tell you: salvation is through words, not action. Indeed, I suspect people who say "actions speak louder than words" are simply misguided connoisseurs of that odious and singularly French annoyance called mime. And, believe me, I am more than pleased to disabuse them of such a foolish misapprehension by delivering a high-decibel rebuke -- in English -- guaranteed to blow their effete little beret right off their unwashed hair.

The more observant amongst us will recognize the power words have to shape, mask and, more importantly, nullify what the secular world regards as so-called "factual." Verily, no one is more keenly aware of the importance of words than the Lord. As someone writing under the rather uninventive nom de plume "John" once wrote:
"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God"

John 1:1.

Since the Word -- and I trust it wasn't a coarse vulgarity – particularly that malignant brown word -- was with a deity known for being an inveterate chatterbox, it is, no doubt, currently with any number of the tongue-wagging prophets that populated the Bible.

Rene Descartes, in what strikes me as a prophetic rebuke of most present-day Americans, declared, "I think therefore I am [not Southern Baptist]." One of America's greatest wordsmiths took this logic to a more succinct conclusion by alighting on the all-American license that allows even the most dreadful people to define themselves, no matter how spuriously or optimistically, by declaring "I am I said." I am, of course, referring to the twentieth century philosopher most keenly followed by our handsome president -- Mr. Neil Diamond.

But as our president's mother Barbara will tell you after the fourth Chivas soaks in: "It's the [unchristian word for stuff] no one ever talks about that is the most interesting." Never is Barbara's boozy bromide more cogent than when applied to the subject of human s-xual activity. It is with that in mind that we modern Red State Christians are more inclined to remold Mr. Descartes' tiresome axiom into the infinitely more useful: "I didn't talk about it, therefore it didn't happen."

In fact, did you know that all sexual problems in America today can be traced to one thing: frank discussion? That is why Bringing Integrity To Christian Homemakers works tirelessly with local school boards throughout this country to tell our nation's teenagers: "Stick a sock in it!" (A suggestion containing an ambiguity that works, regardless of inference, in our favor.) You see, many liberal elites work under the quaint notion that the S-xual Revolution was incited and manifest by sundry acts of deviant (that is, enjoyed) nakedness. Poppyc-ck! The insidiousness of the S-xual Revolution was not rooted in what people did, but rather in their brash insistence upon talking about it later. Back when conservative Christian values imposed a suitably unspoken gag order on the discussion of the sundry mischiefs of the unclothed, American families knew that incest was best handled like its underage victims at the dinner table: in silence.

And our reluctance to use our nation's tongues to vocally acknowledge what our nation's tongues are otherwise up to behind closed doors is the fabulous gist of the wildly successful Republican "Abstinence Only" education. You see, if their high school health teacher never talks about s-x, teenagers won't ever find out about it until it is no longer of interest to them (marriage). And if they do indulge in s-xual shenanigans ? Just as long as they wear a "Love Waits" t-shirt, I wish to remain none the wiser, thank you very much.

But just as Christians who didn't wish to talk about s-x were faced with the real Mr. Kinsey in 1948, likeminded Republicans are currently faced with his cinematic counterpart. Not surprisingly, our response is the same: kill the potty-mouthed messenger. Indeed, we are called upon by our Lord Jesus to employ an effective Christian tool against those who stray from our beliefs: character assassination.

As Baptists who embraces the "Talking Snake Theory" to explain the origin of our species, it is not often that we find cause to squander attention on the conclusions, much less methods, of scientific research beyond a simple scoff. Nevertheless, I am calling on all of you to effect passing interest in science, but only long enough to tell everyone you know, like Focus on the Family , that Mr. Kinsey's statistical population was flawed because, sadly, he didn't spend time with nearly enough pedophiles.

Now you know me: I never gossip except to save a soul or a conversation. But, like most True Christians who happily turn a blind eye to the actual biography of fellow conservatives, when it comes to liberals -- whether he be Michael Moore, John Kerry or Alfred Kinsey -- I am more than eager to dwell upon and disseminate any besmirching fiction that serves the greater cause of undermining those who have the temerity to state views inconsistent with the ones I've been told are correct.

With Mr. Kinsey's penchant for discussing what forbidden fruits are up to in their urban lofts, our gated communities' cherished taciturnity is imperiled as loves that previously dared not speak their names are suddenly more garrulous than Paris Hilton after an ashtray of crystal meth. But while the unsaved may have become chattier about their monkeyshines, history is like shampoo: exotic or generic, the last step is always "repeat." Anyone who has attended a PTA meeting in the past several years knows that America is quickly returning to a pre-Kinsey blissful insistence that polite people don't notice s-x. Conservative Christians are steadfast in their resolve: sex is like election tampering – it only happens if you talk about it. You see, Red States may have the highest divorce and teen pregnancy rates, but people in the Blue States are more likely to talk about such unpleasant things. And that, my friends, is the greater sin in modern America.

After watching "The Passion of the Christ" 28 times, my children can rip the arms off of a cat without even blinking. But should they be exposed to a film or football game where someone says that letter-after-e word or exposes a female breast, they would be so psychologically damaged I would be left with no option other than to sell them on E-Bay at appalling discounts.

PARENTAL WARNING: Very strong amoral, secular, humanist worldview with implied Darwinian evolution worldview supporting a materialistic atheist worldview and equating humans with animals, which leads to sexual hedonistic worldview of almost anything goes, as well as very strong pro-homosexual and politically correct worldview that revises history and attacks Christians and traditional Christian values about sexual morality, and man prays for sexual purity but the prayer apparently does not work for him and character asks for forgiveness; about 11 obscenities, three strong profanities, and one light exclamatory profanity; light, brief violence includes two married men fighting and talk about parental beatings; extreme sexual content includes depicted intercourse, depicted adultery, animal sex, two men passionately French kiss on screen, depicted masturbation, and graphic discussion and references to sexual behavior, including homosexual behavior, pedophilia, sadomasochism, and masturbation; full male nudity in one scene, photos of male penises and female genitals touching, upper female nudity, and rear male nudity; alcohol use and apparent drunkenness, with scene in homosexual bar; smoking; and, jealousy, sexual revenge, sexual hedonism advocated, scientist preaches non-judgmentalism but complains of "Puritan" American culture, and man who teaches complete sexual abstinence before marriage is mocked.