Remarks by Mrs. Laura Bush During February 6, 2002 Address to Wives at Fort Bragg, North Carolina

As delivered.

Good morning, my fellow Americans, wives and targets of those deep-fried-dog munching North Koreans.

As you know, my husband is currently marketing his wonderful, new budget to the American people. This, of course, requires countless photographs of both of us surrounded by you people in time for the evening news. So, here I am.

(APPLAUSE)

Standing here, I am struck by how useful you people are. You see, we Republicans couldn't have asked for a better marketing opportunity to push through breathtaking tax bonanzas for our constituents than the possible deaths of your dear husbands!

(APPLAUSE)

I just want to say, "Thank you for being there for us."

(APPLAUSE)

Bushie has really enjoyed having his photo taken wearing camouflage recently at military bases like this one. It would be nostalgic for him if he actually remembered the 1960's. But, I tell you, I used to have a scrapbook with pictures of my handsome husband taken when he fought fearlessly for an undetermined amount of time in the Viet Nam conflict in Alabama. They were the cutest pictures of Bushie in his jet way up in the sky. In fact, I had many pictures of my husband from that era flying high as a kite.

Sadly, all of those beautiful, cheerful photos of his stay in the war in Alabama were removed when the CIA searched our home in preparation for the campaign. As a woman who routinely Cloroxes the unsightly yellowed paws of her pets with Q-tips (dip them in distilled water first, gals), I jumped for joy when my Father-in-Law Poppy asked if I wanted the CIA to cleanse all our files. It didn't occur to me until I had lost all those photos and bail receipts what they meant.

I want to share with you the night my husband came up with the basis for his wonderful new budget. We were watching TV, enjoying our usual pretzels and bee – ur, beverage of a nonalcoholic nature. Folks were standing in a two-hour line at Atlanta airport. I'd forgotten how annoying it is to have to fly commercial! Well, the commentator said that those dear, Americans were waiting because of security concerns. Bushie turned to me and said, "What those damn people need most is a whole mess of new corporate tax write-offs!"

(APPLAUSE)

A lot of unpatriotic naysayers whine that the new budget is irresponsible in that it both spends fortunes on allegedly outmoded military stuff, while giving away money the government doesn't really have to corporations and other rich Republicans.

Like there is a problem with that!

(APPLAUSE)

Unpatriotic Democrats will tell you: "In this recession, we don't have the money to give away trillions of dollars!" Well, I have been with Bushie for many years now. I stood by his side when he started his failed business with Poppy's money. I was with him when he got the local government to pay $191 million to build a new stadium for the Texas Rangers he bought into with money from his daddy's rich friends. And I can tell you if anyone knows something about spending money you don't have, it is my husband.

(APPLAUSE)

Because of tax-and-spend liberals, we currently have a budget deficit that it is left to us don't-tax-but-still-spend conservatives to address. Some liars will tell you that the deficit arose in part because of all the money my husband gave away to Republicans by cooking the books to show wildly exaggerated surpluses. Well, we didn't hang out with Kenny Boy and not pick up a trick or two. America still has a huge surplus. It just happens to be in the Cayman Islands right now.

(APPLAUSE)

I was watching Fox News last night and some Asian woman who sounded like that Scientologist Greta Van Susteren was saying that there are Democrats who are evil enough to question my husband's budget numbers. There is only one word for the Democrats in Congress who don't want to give my husband every cent he is asking for: America haters.

(APPLAUSE)

When Tom Daschle speaks against enormous tax windfalls for the rich, well, he might as well put on an Axis of Evil uniform and kill all your husbands! Anyone who speaks out against this budget hates your husbands and wants them dead. They are not real Americans and we won't stand for them! Do you hear me? We Real Americans won't stand for it!

(CHEERS AND RIFLE FIRE)

When our very safety is at stake, it is no time to quibble over billions of dollars. Part of the new military budget will cover the $31.7 million to provide much needed marble in-laid floors in the Officers Clubs at several military bases. Most of you are married to enlisted men and won't see these floors, but trust me: they are just exquisite. Now, my husband doesn't like to dance (unless he's naked on a bar), but I know that we can't fight evil if our men in blue, green and whatever other color you all wear have had to suffer the humiliation of having their last dance with their honey or local hooker on yellowed linoleum in the Officers Club.

(APPLAUSE)

We have a lot of enemies out there, girls. And with each State of the Union address, we guarantee at least three more. And this new budget has so much stuff in it that one of the gadgets is just almost bound to work against someone. To fight these box-cutter wielding evildoers, we need three new types of jet fighters and billions of dollars of heavy artillery. Anyone who tells you differently is a traitor. Honestly, I don't pretend to be a military expert, but what better way is there to counter a smoldering Florsheim than a 70-ton Crusader howitzer?

(APPLAUSE)

I want to thank all of you for coming out today for this photo opportunity. I know that many of you probably sit around thinking that you don't do nearly enough to make defense contractors richer, but the mileage we are getting out of playing up the present physical danger to your loved ones is proving to be a more ingenious way to hide fiscal gimmicks than anything even Arthur Andersen ever signed off on.

(APPLAUSE)

So, just by being here – you with that sad look in your eye, could you move closer in? – we're not filming in Cinemascope, here! – you are doing your part to make sure that corporate sponsors of my husband's administration are given the windfalls they righteously demand. See? We can all do a part in this great country of ours! Even you little people.

God bless you. The woman who sneezed. And God bless America.

(APPLAUSE)

[END]

Home | Christian Advice | Betty's YouTube | Terms of Service | Write to Betty |Get Betty's FREE Newsletter | Landover | Betty's Facebook | Order Christian Couture

© Mrs. Betty Bowers 2000-2017 All Rights Reserved