Mrs. George W. (Laura) Bush
To: All you people who are supposed to be making us look good
Date: August 1, 2002

Ten things I need done before leaving for Bushie's and my month-long siesta at that ranch place out near Crawford, Texas.

1. Since we haven't spent much time at this so-called "ranch" that we only bought a few years ago, Bushie and I have no idea where much of anything is. As Karen Hughes pointed out last year, the President's habit of excusing himself to poop in closets and pantries does not do much to help the expensive illusion that we are going back to a traditional family home that might be familiar -- much less meaningful -- to us! Therefore, please tape maps on all TV remotes, refrigerators and liquor cabinets clearly showing (without words) the location of the nearest real bathroom. I don't want to have to replace any scatter rugs this year.
2. Please pack all of Jenna's Tae Kwon Do belts. They provide a sassy way to complete any otherwise lackluster outfit (see picture below:)
3. Please return the nifty "Drants" sequined dress-pants-contempo-combo Inaugural gown to Rosalynn Carter (see same picture above). Write a note telling her I will replace the pack of Parliament Menthol 100s I found in the lining pocket just as soon as I can find Jenna's knapsack.

4. Decant all refreshments into press-friendly containers. Canadian Club in 64 ounce Listerine bottle (use your heads and please make sure it is not the "Blue Mint" this time!) and Gilbert's Vodka in assorted water bottles. Please make sure I have at least TWO (2) LARGE Aquafina bottles with HALF water HALF refreshment for the trip down in my yellow "Charles of the Ritz" carry-on tote.
5. Change recording on our private line to tell Jenna and Barbara that we have gone somewhere else until Labor Day and to call Kennebunkport if they need bail or a stomach pumping.
6. Tell Karl and that Rice woman that they are to strictly observe the Official Vacation Protocol the President established last year, as painstakingly set out in his five-word Executive Order from July 28, 2001: "No bugging us about stuff!" That rule was the only reason our August 30, 2001 "Tequila and T-Bone Breakfast" with friends and supporters was a wonderful, raucous success and not interrupted by all that dreary gossip about filthy foreigners high jacking buildings or something.
7. There will be no talk about the economy (unless Mr. Cheney's stocks or ours are involved), Iraq (or, for that matter, any foreigners), war, Arabs and Jews (or, for that matter, any non-Methodist religion) or Democrats (unless Hilary is finally caught on tape) for the duration of our trip. We go back to Texas to do what Bushie has always done in Texas – cash some checks and relax.
8. Tell Martha Stewart she is still invited to conduct the "Bleached Cow Skull Centerpiece" workshop for my garden club, but she must arrive dressed so that the liberal media at the gate won't recognize her – for example, she might wear something feminine. (Remind her: A Western-style window treatment for the guest powder room gets her some interesting news about a publicly traded oil company that seems to be doing well.)
9. Put Barney and Spot in a box somewhere. Leave them enough food for 3 weeks. Then, clean them up, sedate them and bring them down to Texas for the August 25 photo shoot.
10. Put my KJV Bible on top of my pink Samsonite cosmetic carry-on (make sure the pop-up mirror light has batteries). I want to be seen carrying that family Bible ON and OFF the plane (make sure someone puts it in my hand, opened to something either meaningful or uplifting, but not too raunchy or bloody). I'm not sure where that old Bible is – one of you all put it someplace after we got back last year. Find it. Pronto.

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