From: John Ashcroft, Attorney General and Snake-Handling, Tongue-Talking Child of God
To: All American so-called citizens who are not currently registered to vote with God's Own Party, the GOP
Re: Your legal obligation to identify yourself as a Godless Liberal
This administration continues its glorious crusade against all ideas inconvenient or novel. Our primary objective of cowering those who express such annoying thoughts into silence (or, at a minimum, neglect by all media) is moving briskly along ahead of schedule and with far less opposition than we could have ever dreamed. Nevertheless, we have not lost sight of the need to brand potential America-haters who have not yet expressed opinions contrary to this administration, but show a statistical likelihood to do so in the near or remote future.
To assist in our new and all-encompassing domestic surveillance of folks that rub the GOP, and therefore the Lord Jesus, the wrong way, as of March 1, 2003 all people who have not given $5,000 in the preceding calendar year to the Bush re-election campaign shall be required by law to identify themselves by wearing "Liberal" t-shirts to be made available by America's Best Christian, Mrs. Betty Bowers.