Betty Bowers Newsletter

Mrs. Betty Bowers New Super PAC Ads

2012-04-10T09:00:32Z

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Mrs. Betty Bowers' October 2011 Newsletter

2011-10-25T15:52:22Z

The Word from America's Best Christian, Mrs. Betty Bowers

Dear True Christians™ and Unsaved Trash™ Alike:

Glory! It's an election year (although, let's be honest, it's already seemed like several). So Jesus has called on me to make two new recruitment videos for the GOP, exploring political paradoxes that Republicans embrace with nimble values and gymnastic logic. Apparently, the GOP has regarded my selfless gifts with a snarl. Yes, not one handwritten thank you note. Such appalling ingratitude! Oh, well, my reward awaits in Glory: A lovely 24-kt solid gold mansion in the best pearly-gated community, with a tennis court that abuts Jesus' olympic-size baptism pool.

Repent & Reload: Welcome to the Theocracy!

Join the Party!

Results of the "So Close To Jesus" Competition

As faith in America is a competitive sport, I asked friends on Facebook to finish the line “So close to Jesus . . .” After over 1,000 entries, three were picked as winners and included in my “So Close to Jesus” video. They were:

“So close to Jesus, I call him Daddy instead of Father.”

“So close to Jesus, He asks me to take the wheel!”

“So close to Jesus, He sent my refrigerator to Hell, but just long enough for it to defrost.”

So Close to Jesus

Shop at Betty's Store:

If you aren't offending someone . . .

God told me to hate you!

You'd all be in my prayers . . .

I gave my love to Jesus . . .

Reality has a liberal bias

Abstinence makes the Church grow fondlers

The real Jesus forgives Republican Jesus

My concubines support Bible-based marriage

Can't be Christian & Capitalist . . .

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Happy 4th of July from Mrs. Betty Bowers, America's Best Christian!

2011-06-16T14:08:13Z

The Word from America's Best Christian, Mrs. Betty Bowers

Dear True Christians™ and Unsaved Trash™ Alike:

Americans simply love to talk to Jesus! Which is, of course, why He keeps His cellphone number private. (Don't even think about asking me.) Americans would also listen to Jesus, but they don't like to be interrupted.

Indeed, even a causal observer will note that the only thing Americas ignore more than Jesus is their diets. So I prepared the following, instructive video. Because if you find you never do anything your god told you, maybe you picked the wrong one . . .

America's 5 Favorite Ways to Ignore Jesus

I have two, new videos wherein I recite the Bettytudes, while giving a sermon on tithing (AKA "The Sermon on the Amount"):

The Gospel of America

The Gospel According to Betty

Christmas Shop at Betty's Store:

If you aren't offending someone . . .

God told me to hate you!

You'd all be in my prayers . . .

I gave my love to Jesus . . .

Reality has a liberal bias

Abstinence makes the Church grow fondlers

The real Jesus forgives Republican Jesus

My concubines support Bible-based marriage

Can't be Christian & Capitalist . . .

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Mrs. Betty Bowers' September 2010 Newsletter

2010-09-09T14:35:07Z

News from America's Best Christian, Mrs. Betty Bowers

Watch Betty Recite Her Poem on YouTube

The Histories of America

by Mrs. Betty Bowers

America's not as she was today.
She wasn't even that way yesterday.
Our story's like Jesus' nativity.
Conflicting with infallibility.
This Land was found to give the Church a mate.
Or just a quickie divorce from the State.
But who cares how posterity sees us?
Soon, we'll be sipping cocktails with Jesus!

The Ice Age

There's no one to hunt on the frontier,
When the sole immigrant is a glacier.

The First Visitors

No Eden escapes human intrusion.
Someone's bound to traipse down an Aleutian.
This arrival might now be an occasion
Had they been European, not Asian.
Claiming domain in all continental,
Oh, what a shame this sprawl was a rental!

America's First Illegal Aliens

From Bering Strait snows to Florida's sun,
All real estate goes to him with the gun.

The Mormon Visitors

As His flock was gnawed by hungry lions,
Jesus popped abroad, to sightsee Mayans.
"Natives were Jews!" so the LDS say.
This came as news to bemused DNA.
They rode tidy horses that left no bones,
According to a book written by stones.
If vexing facts try to spoil your fun
Give facts the ax; buy the Book of Mormon!

The Wandering Crew

America reveres Chris Columbus,
Though mapping, it appears, left him nonplus.
Deplore an explorer's no sense of aim.
Chris might've known whence, but not where he came.
Failing to target his destinations,
Thinking Ming's argot's spoken by Haitians!
He found China -- or someplace tinier.
America? There was no finding her!
Thus began our rash nation's tradition:
To yawn at skill and fawn at ambition.

The Pilgrims

These visitors' shoes matched clasps on chapeau.
Inquisitors used to turning chap foe.
It behooved to disapprove with this sort.
Judging is seldom a spectator sport.
Puritans were pure, quite annoyingly.
Ev'ry man's Goody, a goody-goody.
They sailed when others quizzed their faith's fitness.
To assail brothers -- without a witness.
Just as nuns shun fun without compunction,
Fleeing was just a function of unction.
With decks full of prudes, docks the Mayflower,
And instead of foods, pox and a glower.
They starved, so natives gave Pilgrims a hand.
Who carved up their turkey -- and then their land.
For execution, they were witch burners,
At persecution, they were quick learners.
Out of this void, America did stem:
Folks paranoid of fanatics not them.

Reflection

Before it's reprised, history's revised.
Arriving surprising, unrecognized.

Watch Betty deliver the Bettytudes in front of the Lincoln Memorial

Betty Ringtones

Remix on iTunes

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You can wear the same, lovely apron I wear in my cooking video when you prepare your family's meals:

As God is My Waitress I Will Never Go Hungry Again!

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Are You Doing Your Part to Pretend to Care about the Constitution?

2010-04-26T17:36:24Z

News from America's Best Christian, Mrs. Betty Bowers

Betty's Christian Sex Tape

Dear True Christians™

While I may not be one of those candle-lighting, toe-kissing Mary-Worshippers, I do have a confession: I made a mistake. You're not the only one shocked. But this only serves to underscore that while I acknowledge the Lord’s constant bragging that I was created in His image, I am pleased to point out one important exception: I can admit error. And, somewhat less significant, my errors don’t usually result in gruesome deaths, particularly of my own children.

This week, on my TV program “The No Sin Zone,” I made the foolish decision to allow other people to speak. Quite frankly, I had only agreed to participate in a “talk show” because I assumed I would be the one talking. Not so, as my intrusive guests persisted in taking focus away from me. Jesus and I both hate that, which lead to a rather uncomfortable situation. Jesus was so loquacious and irritatingly off-topic, I had to hang up on Him. Hung up on a cross once; hung up on the phone thrice! Bless His heart, He simply cannot take a hint.

You can see a video of the show HERE.

Sarah Palin Receives An Honor

I know many of you were at this year’s Bringing Integrity To Christian Homemakers convention. One of the highlights was me, when I gave Sarah Palin the tiara for “Worst Mother of the Year.” Astonishingly, terrible parents throughout the convention hall (and, trust me, there are a lot of them) bitterly complained that I had robbed them of an honor they had worked for so tirelessly. A furious Barbara Bush slammed down her nautical-theme tumbler of scotch and barked a valid, yet nonetheless pushy point: “I should be Worst Mother every [unchristian word] year just because I was ever a mother at all!” I even got an earful from husbands who thought awarding Palin was a devastating snub to their industrious efforts at absenteeism because, they pointed out, they hadn't had the excuse of millions of dollars luring them away from their feral children. Well, enough whining, you narcissistic B.I.T.C.H.s! While Sarah Palin may not technically be the worst parent in America, she is the worst parent who goes around American bragging about being a parent on TV. And for that reason alone she deserved to win. You can all try harder this year! Meanwhile, you can see a video a Palin receiving this coveted award HERE.

Buy Betty's Ringtones on iTunes

NEW at Betty's Store:

CLICK HERE FOR BETTY'S FAB STORE

You can wear the same, lovely apron I wear in my cooking video when you prepare your family's meals:

As God is My Waitress I Will Never Go Hungry Again!

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Mrs. Betty Bowers' New Cooking Video

2010-01-30T08:59:05Z

Mrs. Betty Bowers' New Video

“Cooking with Christ -- Literally!"

Dear Christian Homemaker:

Since a woman's place is in the kitchen -- supervising the help! -- I have prepared a fabulous new cooking video to Bring Integrity To Christian Homemakers:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5lJWIPkxBZE

You'll discover that, with enough servants, even the laziest gal can serve up a yummy recipe that teaches children all about the gruesome, bloody death of Jesus. Bon appétit!

Since watching it is a condition precedent for participating in the Rapture, I suggest you do so posthaste!

So close to Jesus, I allow Him to cash checks for fully $20 above the face amount without photo ID,

Mrs. Betty Bowers

America's Best Christian

NEW at Betty's Store:

CLICK HERE FOR BETTY'S FAB STORE

You can wear the same, lovely apron I wear in the video when you prepare your families' meals:

As God is My Waitress I Will Never Go Hungry Again!

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Mrs. Betty Bowers' New Video: "LESS IS MORMON!"

2009-11-22T15:19:57Z

Mrs. Betty Bowers' & Jesus are Pleased to Present:

“Less is Mormon!"

Dear Acolyte:

I have just released my new video "Less is Mormon!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9E4M39FRIGc

Since watching it is a condition precedent for participating in the Rapture, I suggest you do so posthaste!

So close to Jesus, I'm sill returning the vulgar lingerie He bought me last Christmas,

Mrs. Betty Bowers

America's Best Christian

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Betty Bowers' Newsletter & Pagan Holiday Alert

2009-10-26T16:46:27Z

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Mrs. Betty Bowers: Don't let Mr. Obama Brainwash Children: That's OUR JOB!

2009-09-08T16:15:57Z

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Mrs. Betty Bowers September Newsletter

2009-09-01T09:16:35Z

Mrs. Betty Bowers, America's Best Christian

The Anatomy of a Political Brat

Saint Coco once observed:��Luxury is not the opposite of poverty. It is the opposite of vulgarity.� Had Miss Chanel stuck around to witness recent town hall meetings in America, she would have emphatically concluded that this country is in desperate need of some luxury. Code Bleu! Honestly, such a shocking parade of nasty, angry and, yes, vulgar people! The very people who not only didn�t mind, but cheered, when our big government got even bigger by slapping several trillion dollars on a Chinese VISA card, all for a vanity war, are now seething over spending a fraction of that amount on the frivolity of keeping American children healthy.

Apparently, after consulting Jesus (�What would you do, say,�if you thought all your own socialistic teachings were garbage, Lord?�), they realized it is more important to spend money we don�t have to keep foreigners dead than to keep Americans alive. Now, it�s not for me to question what Jesus told them because, well frankly, He says a lot of things, much of which is so anti-capitalist He can't possibly mean, but I do know that He never told them dress like that! �In any event, an exasperated Jesus doodled the following graphic after several days of apoplectic prayers from His agitated, angry flock, proving that He understands them better than they understand Him (of course, the visibility thing provides a wonderful advantage):

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Betty Bowers' Theater Review: "HEALTHSCARE!" -- A Republican Road Show

2009-08-07T13:03:19Z

Mrs. Betty Bowers' Theater Review

“Healthscare!” A Republican Road Show

Yesterday, Jesus and I attended a performance of the dramatic sensation that is sweeping the nation: a theater-in-the-unfound production of “Healthscare!“ It’s a boisterous Republican-produced melodrama, currently in out-of-town tryouts, being performed at town hall meetings throughout America. As a parade of amateur actors dutifully recited their tortuous lines of sputtering outrage, performed as a geek chorus, more frenzied chants than coherent dialogue, I nudged my nodding-off Savior and muttered: “Honestly, if I'm going to be amused by such scenery chewing pathos, I’d rather see a sobbing Glenn Beck as Medea!”

During the tediously long review, choreographed crazies erupted on cue every time a politician opened his mouth to talk about healthcare. The dialogue and delivery were so over-wrought and under-thought, before the 67th encore, Jesus and I were reaching for our souvenir talking-points program and jealously eying the exits. Frankly, any corybantic catfight on The Real Housewives of Atlanta has more authenticity — and dignity — than the snarling cue card recitations of the Healthcare Industry Players. And it’s not as if Jesus is put off by a little psychotic hysteria. As you will recall, He was recently the first person since 1985 to say “no” to Michael Jackson.

But, speaking of entertainment that has passed its “BEST BY” date, when did American political drama’s plots become so predictable, its scripts so sloppy? You will know what every character is going to say once the first apoplectic actor has delivered his first angry monologue, so given to simple-minded repetition is the playwright. According to the monotonous script, every single character hates every single word President Obama says, a dull contrivance that leeches every bit of dramatic suspense from each line, making for a rather listless afternoon of theater! And any hope for a better second act is quickly deflated once you realized that the cast will also hate every single thing the President says in every subsequent scene, no matter what it is he actually winds up saying.

Politics has always been theater. But when did its production values slide so precipitously into a self-indulgent, repetitive chorus that only skirts banality by hinting at insanity? Since our last socialist president, FDR, our ovations have drifted from civic acts to circus acts. When did we go from a president who inconveniently pretends he can stand to a citizenry that pretends it can’t stand any inconvenience?

Now, don’t get us wrong: As American Christians, Jesus and I both believe that when a child gets healthcare, an angel loses its virginity — or, worse, its concealed weapon. Redirecting dollars from arming bombs to vaccinating arms is clearly the work of a wicked, hateful Socialist Satan! (Or is that a Fascist Fallen Angel? Honestly, as Republicans, we don’t get all liberal-elite, act-obsessed when it comes to what pejorative labels for unfashionable ideologies really mean!)

Nevertheless, this Republican road show of rage, with its cheap set, set script and unsettling cast, needs to close out of town before it reaches that big burlesque theater on Capitol Hill. After all, rednecks who hanker to become unglued in public so that rich people can make even more money off them will always have Dr. Phil! But this tedious traveling show has all the spontaneity of a Tom Cruise remark, the sincerity of a Bachelor or Bachelorette proposal and the restraint of a community theater production of Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? And just as with community theater, in this vanity production, it seems as if the only people having fun are the screaming hams hogging the stage.

Glory! Betty and Jesus have been busy updating their Facebook Page!

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