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Landover Baptist's own Mrs. Baptist, Mrs. Taffy Davenport Gaines-Crockett was recently named Mrs. Christian 1999 after trouncing the tricky, cheating Mrs. Pentecostal and Biblically illiterate Mrs. Episcopalian. Tears of Godly rapture filled Taffy's beautiful eyes as she was awarded the sterling silver crucifix-scepter and Harry Winston diamond crown of thorns. Throughout the telecast, Mrs. Baptist showed the kind of gumption that the pampered and prissy Mrs. Episcopalian could only dream of having. For example, early in the evening it looked as if Mrs. Baptist would not take the title after Mrs. Pentecostal knocked the socks off the panel of pastor-judges by reciting the Lord's Prayer in seven separate tongues while holding two hungry rattle snakes within inches of her eyeballs. But Mrs. Pentecostal's feat of loquacious daring was no match for Mrs. Baptist's familiarity with God's Word. No sooner had the applause died down on Mrs. Pentecostal's stunning performace, Mrs. Baptist had turned her in to the judges. As Taffy astutely pointed out, Mrs. Pentecostal had violated God's laws by wearing blended fabric, as Pentecostals are wont to do, in contravention of Deuteronomy. Mrs. Pentecostal was immediately disqualified and as if to show the Holy Spirit's disappointment in the cheating Mrs. Pentecostal, the rattlers immediately turned on her, eating her eyes like ripe grapes in front of the transfixed television audience of one billion (not including the Chinese viewers, who are too numerous and look too much alike to keep track of).
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Mrs. Baptist recreates the magic of her winning the Talent portion of the contest by laying on hands and raising Mrs. Pentecostal, killed by snakes during her Talent performance, from the dead.
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Showing her usual poise, Mrs. Baptist did not allow the satanic serpents' feeding frenzy to unnerve her as she proceeded to effortlessly win the Rebuking in Modest-Eveningwear segment of the pageant. This left only Mrs. Episcopalian standing in the way of Taffy hearing famed Christian singer Dottie Rambo sing "Here She Is, Covered in the Blood of the Lamb From Head To Toe, Mrs. Christian!" After Mrs. Episcopalian scored a perfect 10 in the "Mindless Repeating of Scripture" contest by reciting an unbroken string of who was whose father for 37 minutes, it looked like she had the contest all sewed up. But, once again, Mrs. Baptist proved the power of being raised in a church that actually reads the real Bible. After slipping a note to the judges informing them that Mrs. Episcopalian had used scripture from the American Standard Version, when pageant rules only allow the King James Bible, Mrs. Episcopalian was asked to leave the building and Mrs. Baptist was immediately named Mrs. Christian 1999. Congratulations Taffy! Praise the Lord! Taffy's $145,000 diamond crown of thorns will be auctioned off to the highest tither at next Sunday's 11:00am service. Call Ticketmaster for remaining $125 seats. Phone bids will be received, but only after credit approval and pre-authorization.
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