Pastor's Rousing Sermon Results in Town Full of Eunuchs

Self-castration Epidemic Hits Freehold, Iowa

Moments after removing his testicles with a fish knife, Bobby Traylor and his wife Iona shoot 20 bullets to announce to the the Lord that Bobby is ready for Glory
(FREEHOLD) Last Sunday, 1,087 men returned home from Landover Baptist Church's nine o'clock service and, using various crude mechanisms, hacked off both of their testicles. "Billy Ray was in a funk after service and went out to his tool shed for a while," recalled Mrs. Suzzanna Beth Simpkins. "I was in the kitchen when I heard him screaming something awful. When I finished putting sprinkles on the cupcakes I was making, I went out to the shed. Lord have mercy! He had used a pair of pliers to pull off his balls!"

The spontaneous outburst of self-castration appears to have been at the behest of the Holy Ghost, Who had apparently been listening to Honorary Pastor Harry Hardwick's rousing sermon that morning. Pastor Hardwick had spoken of the need for men to taint neither their souls nor bodies with frail, conniving women during these precious final days before the Lord Jesus returns to destroy, judge and kill. During the sermon, Pastor Hardwick reminded the men gathered that according to Revelation the ones who had a best shot at heaven were those who had not even allowed a sinful woman to touch their privates. (Revelation 14:3-4). In lieu of such godly willpower, Jesus taught that men should become eunuchs for the Lord by removing their testicles. (Matthew 19:10-12).

Upon hearing that roughly one-tenth of the town's men were suddenly without testicles, Judy O'Christian immediately went into action. Mrs. O'Christian, famed in fourteen counties for being able to preserve everything from pickles to prunes, quickly drafted the help of the Ladies of Landover Auxiliary to carefully place matching sets of testicles in mason jars with formaldehyde.

Mrs. Judy O'Christian has 27 jars that have not been claimed. If they are not identified by Thursday, she will dispose of them on E-Bay
"I carefully marked each jar," said Mrs. O'Christian, "so that our men folk wouldn't end up with each other's, well, uh, things. I told them to keep them jars with them at all times – even at work or out at restaurants. You never know when the Lord will return and no one wants to be in God's Glory missing stuff. That's why I even sleep in my wig."
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