President Bush To Use What's Left of Social Security for Multi-Billion Dollar National Demon Defense Shield

Pentagon illustration shows pigs (as described in Mark 5:12-13) are used to absorb incoming demons
(WASHINGTON, D.C.) President Bush revealed today how he plans to allocate the money in Social Security's "unlocked box" not already used to pay for his recent taxpayer sweepstakes. The remaining Social Security funds will be used to build a multi-billion dollar National Demon Defense Shield that will protect Americans from the threat of foreign-launched incoming evil spirits. Mr. Bush's decision to back the controversial project came in response to the heartfelt Christian concern expressed by General Dynamics' Government Contracting division and feasibility studies by creation scientists at Reverend Falwell's Liberty University. "While many secular scientists scoff at the idea of intercepting Satan's demons," said Pat Robertson in response to the President's decision, "the technology is employed in the Bible, so it must work. And aren't these the same so-called 'scientists' who laughed at our $40-billion program to build mid-priced condominiums in whales?"

The National Demon Defense Shield found immediate support in both the evangelical Christian community and the secular defense industry, a demographic whose unflinching financial support almost allowed Mr. Bush to be elected president. "While our company is getting approximately $200 every year from every single American taxpayer, what is the satisfaction of protecting our citizens from the weapons of death outside of them from rogue states when we can't protect them from the couriers of death inside of them from Hell?" asked Christopher E. Kubasik, CFO for Lockheed Martin, when meeting last week with Mr. Bush and the Joint Chiefs of Staff. "We are talking, of course, about Satan's advanced demon technology, which is more of a strategic threat to national security than anything even those pet-eating North Koreans could come up with."

While careless, liberal-demographic-favoring census workers under-counted the demon population of this country, the American Family Association knows that there are exactly112,504,883 illegal demons currently living within our borders and bodies – over 80% living in opulence in two zip codes in New York and Los Angeles. "Truly, when it comes to unwanted aliens," said AFA President Donald Wildmon, "these demons are worse than them Mexicans. For example, while Satan's minions tend to follow a 'scorched earth' policy, those Mexicans can turn any patch of dry earth into a stunning flower bed before they break for a taco and tequila lunch."
Since the Gospel of Mark teaches that Satan's demons are strangely attracted to pigs, the Demon Defense Shield will employ 1,200 decoy pigs that Lockheed Martin will construct for $7,800,000 each. Half of these high-technology swine will be shot into space to lure incoming demons away from America's atmosphere. The other half will be placed outside of Texaco gas stations in case demons that sneak through on land pop in for directions, soda or to use the bathroom.

Initial tests of the airborne pigs have resulted in twelve concussions, one death, and a virulent case of trichinosis, but no confirmed laser-guided exorcisms. These so-called mishaps, however, have not shaken the President's tenacious resolve to move forward with the expensive, Biblically-sound program. "That woman in Cincinnati, Mrs. Clairhopper," said President Bush, "who got smashed into the sidewalk by that four-ton titanium pig that dropped on her head from 97,000 feet was not a set-back for the program at all. For one thing that little piggy was insured. Unlike Mrs. Clairhopper. For another, the Department of Faith issued a memo that very afternoon to state that a mega-demon was almost certainly hiding in Mrs. Clairhopper's lower intestines, waiting for the light to change. Good thing we got him. I say, score a victory for our country's super-cool, neat-o technology. And a thank you to American hero Mrs. Clairhopper of Cincinnati, Ohio. God bless you."

Despite such problems, Pentagon scientists and government defense contractors assured President Bush that the Demon Defense Shield has every chance of being just as effective as its even more expensive cousin, the Missile Defense Shield. "I don't think there is any question," said Albert E. Smith, speaking from Lockheed Martin's new $180 million Flying Titanium Livestock plant, "that the technology behind catching those damned demons is every bit as sophisticated and reliable as the stuff we're going to come up with to intercept those rogue missiles."

During Bible study in the Oval Office on Thursday we turned to Mark 5:12-13, where my favorite philosopher, that Jesus guy, tells us that, when it comes to things that get rid of demons, pigs are like little demon sponges. We are taught by the Lord that when looking for something to cast in front of swine, expensive jewelry like pearls are not a good choice, but demons are just the ticket.

– George W. Bush

Can you tell the difference between Betsy and the $7,800,000 decoy? Well neither will Satan!
The unbridled enthusiasm for the program by companies lining up for demon defense contracts is shared by influential members of the American religious community. Christian leaders are pleased that, with the advent of the Department of Faith, the government is getting involved with spiritual warfare with an enthusiasm not seen since the much-maligned Crusades. "You have to remember," said Mrs. Betty Bowers, spiritual advisor to the First Family, "we are living on the cusp of the end. And we can't rely on Jennifer Lopez to single-handedly bring on all of the signs of the Apocalypse. Gals, these are End Times. You know, the Lord so loved the world, He is about to blow it up into a billion burning pieces. I mean, when Jesus gets through with this little planet of ours, He will have made what Timothy McVeigh did to that federal building in whatever-state-that-was look like light redecorating! You just watch: When it comes to weapons of mass destruction, the blood of the Lamb is going to be the plutonium of the Twenty-First Century. And we need to make sure that America starts stockpiling it right now."
President Bush Moves Missile Defense Shield Program from Pentagon to Department of Faith

After a series of disappointing tests of even the most rudimentary elements of the Missile Defense Shield, President Bush announced today that he was moving the multi-billion dollar program to the newly formed Department of Faith. "Since faith is believing in something that either you can't see or don't make a lick of sense," said President Bush, "the idea that we can protect America from missiles with an elaborate, untested bunch of stuff that floats in space is a faith-based program if I ever heard of one."

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